Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 772

The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.

I have tried... believe me, I have tried to like rap music. It makes me feel so very, very old. I have tried to get home with the downies.

I plan on talking to my kids about sex early. Like six. Or seven am.

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

It`s the prettiest place on the planet. My childhood was like a dream. It`s like the last Mayberry.

Your love is one in a million, You couldn’t buy it at any price. But of the 9.999 hundred thousand other possible loves statistically, some of them would be equally nice.

I’ve lived in Manchester since my 20s and I’ve only been in three fights –not a bad average.

You were never there for me were you mother? You expected Mike and Carol Brady to raise me! I'm the bastard son of Claire Huxtable! I am a Lost Cunningham! I learned the facts of life from watching The Facts of Life! Oh God!

My sister Wendy has a husband and two children, and they have a family photo on top of the VCR, where they're all looking slightly to the left. As though something is going on over there! I guess something happened over to the left that made everybody happy! Except my sister is cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off. One eye is right-on.

Why put on an act on stage when I'm tragically myself.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

Now, most of the time you couldn't be too sure of the quality of the drug. Although, in my experience the stuff was always of a very high quality, because back then we didn't have business majors peddling lower-quality stuff in an effort to increase profits.

If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.

I know that can hit close to home for some people....was anyone here aborted?... 'I was found in a trash can!' Okay, well, that sorta counts...