Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 772
I'll take on somebody if they're offending the entire culture, not just offending me.
It’s way beyond ironic that a place called the Holy Land is the location of the fiercest most deeply felt hatred in the world.
When you interrupt, you've stopped listening. People need to be heard.
Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner.
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.
If you are 26 years old and you’re waking up under Star Wars sheets… the Force is not with you.
Girls dress sexy, right? Even sweat pants now -- kind of tight, got the writing on the ass, little messages. Who knows what it's gonna say? It's like a little fortune cookie right on your ass: 'Sexy. Baby Doll. Juicy. Look at my ass.' I'm like, 'Excellent. I've been meaning to read more.' I'm tearing through five, six asses a day. Sometimes, I just read half and stick a bookmark in it.
Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don’t clap, this is a flaw in the system!
I'm slower and some days are better than others, but I'm a fighter.
Nothing like a little post-traumatic stress disorder to make your day complete.