Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 774
It goes Christmas,New Year’s Eve and Valentine’s Day. Is that fair to anyone who’s alone? Those are all days you got to be with someone. And if you didn’t get around to killing yourself at Christmas or New Year’s - boom - there’s Valentine’s Day for you. I think there should be just one more holiday after Valentine’s Day for the stragglers. And it should be called, “Who Could Love You?”
My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.
When I got on Stern I realized that this was the one job where you could be really honest and open, almost like Richard Pryor or something. You can be honest about your life and get laughs.
I don’t have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
I wish I was a book. She could pick me up, flip through my pages. Make sure nobody drew wieners in me.
I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, “It doesn’t do anything. It’s just a Christmas gift.”
Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.
I really shine in front of prominently Jewish crowds. Normally I really beat myself up, but as far as Jewish audiences go, I’m at the top of my game.
Nothing like a little post-traumatic stress disorder to make your day complete.
Thirty-six percent of Americans say that they've heard the voice of God. It's not clear of that 36% how many people are mistaking the voice of God for the voice of Morgan Freeman. That's an easy mistake to make.
Basically it's the priests don't like the cloning, so we can make a compromise. For every cell that we use to make a heart valve we'll done one for them. It'll be a portable twelve-year-old boy's butt with five openings, four for personal use and one to call Bingo every Thursday.
It's just easier to make fun and cut down. It's kind of a way of life in America. If you can make people want to hear what you're going to say, it can be cruel and funny.