Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 774

My wife's beautiful. That's why I married her. Because I want to see her every day.

Everything I ever learned I was told by someone else.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

Fang's breath is so bad the dentist works on him through his ears.

There's no real preparing at home for stand-up. You just go and you just do it.

As far as I’m concerned, humans have not come up with a belief that’s worth believing.

Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end.

When I got on Stern I realized that this was the one job where you could be really honest and open, almost like Richard Pryor or something. You can be honest about your life and get laughs.

I'd like to do one of those jumps they do in the movies; in a car, over a bridge, in the air with a huge explosion. It would be a final moment of entertainment.

I’ve been fired a lot. I prefer to call it just another stop on my Burning Bridges Tour.

Australians are very proud of being from Australia. It's an interesting country, Australia. In Australia it's illegal not to vote. Australia has a compulsory democracy. Bizarrely, it's compulsory to vote in a country where the citizens are, to be fair, perhaps least equipped to make choices. It's not their fault. Australian life has not prepared the Australian for complex choices, cos every Australian day is like a sort of decision tree of simple binary choices. Sleep or wake? Shorts or swimming trunks? Beach or park? Smoothie or heroin? Hepatitis or skin cancer? Up at the end of a sentence... Or down.

You see people waving. You don't see people having problems, with each other at least.

Women save every single thing you give them. What we consider gifts they consider potential evidence that could be used against you at a later date. That’s why they have so many shoes. They just need the boxes to save all the crap that we give them.

All the proper bands from then, when we were kids, yeah? The Rubettes and Mud and Chicory Tip. Yeah. Not like the bands they have now, stupid, modern bands all made out of wire and electricity. The proper old bands. You'd buy the singles, wouldn't you? The old singles they used to have in the old days. The proper ones. Very nostalgic feelings towards Woolworths. The pick 'n' mix. Remember the pick 'n' mix in Woolworths? All the sweets individually wrapped. Proper, old-fashioned sweets, yeah? Not like the sweets they have now, all with knives in them and AIDS

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.