Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 774

It's mentally exhausting, feeling bad about something you can do nothing about.

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.

People can be more forgiving than you can imagine. But you have to forgive yourself. Let go of what's bitter and move on.

“A market researcher said ‘can I ask you 10 questions’, I said ‘go on’, she said ‘question number 1 have you ever had a blackout?’ I said ‘no’, she went…’and finally, question number 10.’”

I'm not a fighter, I'm a bleeder.

Think off-center.

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

He hits the ball 130 yards and his jewelry goes 150.

I love comedy. God has given me this platform.

When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

As a guy I never liked being told to call, which my wife really never does, and that’s why I call her as often as I do.

If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.