Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 774
All of a sudden I had to remember some words that Marlowe had told me over fifteen years ago: "Dead men don't wear plaid." Hmm... Dead men don't wear plaid. I still don't know what it means.
All these teenagers tell us how much they want to grow up and then when they do they want to be young again.
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.
My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.
As a guy I never liked being told to call, which my wife really never does, and that’s why I call her as often as I do.
If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.
I have been privileged to get to know Kenny Dalgish and I would call him a friend – though his lawyer would call me a stalker (I don’t know why – just because I was in his garden!).
We're the greatest country on Earth except when it comes to getting shit done.
Growing up I felt so invisible and inconsequential my parents finally insisted that I wear a name tag at home.
The yearbook voted me most likely to be scraped off an onramp by a puking fireman.
I think for one thing, kids are a lot smarter now then we ever were.
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."
Don't confuse me with those who cling to hope. I enjoy describing how things are, I have no interest in how they "ought to be". And I certainly have no interest in fixing them. I sincerely believe that if you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem. My motto: Fuck Hope!