Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 785

I think people, for the most part, actually want what they think is best.

We're the greatest country on Earth except when it comes to getting shit done.

Now, most of the time you couldn't be too sure of the quality of the drug. Although, in my experience the stuff was always of a very high quality, because back then we didn't have business majors peddling lower-quality stuff in an effort to increase profits.

Remember when we dug Saddam up out of that hole? He looked like a Father Christmas who had been sacked from Debenhams for being drunk at work.

I got tits now, too. I just got tits! That is a fucked up day in a man's life, when you look in the mirror and you realize, "Fuck! I got..." Because you don't see them coming, they're sort of pouting out little by little, and then one day they just fuckin' fall a little and that's it, you have tits. And they're there for good. They're not gonna like go back, it's fucking over.

Morgan Freeman is so class. He's so cool. He's so scary.

I have a high state of resentment for the conformity in this country. If you`re not married and having children, it`s like your life is empty or you`re a communist meanie.

She’s 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? “SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!”, what do you want a shredder for? “IDENTITY THEFT!!”.

Don't get upset. I'm probably wrong about half the shit I say.

Fang drops so much food on his ties we keep them in the refrigerator.

I don’t believe in burning holy books, but I am organizing a protest. I’ll be burning all my Dennis Miller VHS cassettes as a special protest. I don’t want to hear the introduction ‘you may have seen our next comedian on the Hannity show’.

You might be a redneck if a full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.

I wouldn't want that man as my psychologist.

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.

I like pressure. Pressure doesn't make me crack. It's enabling. I eat pressure, and there might be times when I get a bad feeling in my gut that this might be too much, but you feel pressure when you're not doing something, you know?