Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 785

It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

Two guys are talking and one says to the other: 'What would you do if the end of the world was in 3 minutes time?' The other one says: 'I'd shag everything that moved. What would you do?' And he says: 'I'd stand perfectly still.'

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

It's brutal. I see friends when their shows don't work. Everything's riding on making money and all the pressure and how people scatter when fortunes turn downward.

Loud, stupid and overeating will suffice as long as we also have the funny, the fierce and the intellectual.

I like to crack the jokes now and again, but it's only because I struggle with math.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic! Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus! One of those two doesn't sound right.

I feel more comfortable in comedy.

After a one night stand, make sure you wait two days before you call and tell her she has AIDS.

I wouldn't want that man as my psychologist.

I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.

That shirt looks good on you. You know what else would look good on you? My friend Dave, I think you should go out with him.

I come from a very big family... nine parents.

Republican presidential hopeful Mike Hucka-BS is attacking actress Natalie Portman for getting pregnant without being married. It could get a little awkward if he runs into Sarah and Bristol Palin at Fox News.