Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 785

I hadn't seen a body put together like that since I solved the case of the Murdered Girl with the Big Tits.

I know what you're thinking: yet another late night talk show host accusing Neil Sedaka of being a war criminal.

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.

I saw hamlet at the Globe Theater. Notice I didn't say I heard it. Some asshole with a whooping cough was right behind me. Hey lung chunks, if you're sick, stay the fuck home!

Whenever we go out, I pay all the tolls. Yeah - he backs up to the tolls so the booth would be on my side.

I don't trust vitamins. I saw one today for loss of hair and esteem.

On Hulk Hogan: “You’re an old man who dresses like a Hooter’s waitress.”

This is how dumb the real estate agents are in New Jersey. They put their headshots and their advertisements on city benches. You know who sleeps on city benches? Homeless people. Why don’t you just put a picture of a four course meal next to it. “Here’s two things you’ll never own.”

Bill Murray I always liked. I'm not as good as him, but there's a quality in him that I like. And then there's DeNiro, I'll never be that.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.