Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 784

Artie is going to do what ever Artie wants to do.

I have a dream. With that one sentence, Martin Luther King touched and empowered an entire nation. You know what else he did? He made everybody else without dreams feel real bad.

Taking Viagra after open heart surgery is like a Civil War re-enactment with live ammo. Not good.

I wish I was a book. She could pick me up, flip through my pages. Make sure nobody drew wieners in me.

Inside of you, there's a fashion model just waiting to throw up.

I do still get intimidated by certain things.

Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.

Vodka! That's a child's drink, why am I drinking this stupid drink, oh and why am I on a traffic island?

If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him.

If you are 26 years old and you’re waking up under Star Wars sheets… the Force is not with you.

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.

Hey, can we take a picture of you guys for our dart board?

On his teenage son: To be honest, I’m not sure the same kid comes home each night.

I have been privileged to get to know Kenny Dalgish and I would call him a friend – though his lawyer would call me a stalker (I don’t know why – just because I was in his garden!).