Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 784

A problem of type 2094 has occurred... what the fuck is that... what does that mean... what are the 2093 problems I skipped to get to this one?

It’s gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!

I don't know what I think of George W. Bush when he first got in, but I've grown fond of the man, and maybe it's the times we live in. They say he's not an environmentalist. But every time I see his ranch on TV, it looks pretty nice. You know something, if we all took care of our own, we'd have a great environment.

My mother was an authority on pigsties. This is the worst looking pigsty I've ever seen in my life.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

We do experiments on animals for a reason—to prolong our life. If hooking a monkey’s brain up to a car battery is going to save somebody of dying from AIDS in ten years, I got two things to say, “The red is positive and the black is negative.”

What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her "to get kitchen scissors?"

If old people are so wise, how come they are always getting fucked by telemarketing fraud?

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

I don't want to go through life as a Wonder Wheel murderer!

If you're black, you got to look at America a little bit different. You got to look at America like the uncle who paid for you to go to college, but who molested you.

I don't go out with my single friends - not at all - because I never have a good time, never have fun. We go to a club, a guy comes over - 'Hey, can I buy you a drink?' They're like, 'No, she's married.' I'm like, 'Yeah, I'm married, but I'm thirsty. Why don't you shut the hell up, and let me have a free drink?'

People in the United Kingdom and outside the United States share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn't share with itself.

It`s the prettiest place on the planet. My childhood was like a dream. It`s like the last Mayberry.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.