Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 784
It's 113 degrees in Phoenix! Damn!!! I'm not as hot as I thought I was!
You don't have to have 14 committees and studios weighing in. Its really just you.
Don't bother me while I'm eating, or when I'm coming out of the crackhouse or something. Just let me get going.
Harry Potter, he sends a message on Owl Mail while us poor old muggles have to make do with instantaneous emails and texting. Oh, if only we could be like you Harry Potter, with your four day owl delivery!
I'm from a little place called England ... We used to run the world before you.
You’re an idiot. What you think an African family wakes up and there’s a little goat with a ribbon tied round it? And they go, ‘Oh look what Santa brought us!
According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it.
He could dismiss several schools of philosophy by shifting slightly in his chair or toting his whisky glass.
"Go have boys' night out" really means "I'll stay home and touch my clit."
The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret.
Women save every single thing you give them. What we consider gifts they consider potential evidence that could be used against you at a later date. That’s why they have so many shoes. They just need the boxes to save all the crap that we give them.
All these teenagers tell us how much they want to grow up and then when they do they want to be young again.
Some people rely on rumors and gossip because they are devoid of any original thought.