Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 786

Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating.

I enjoy the last quarter of all basketball games.

I said, “That’s an unusual name. You don’t hear that everyday.”

It means a lot to me to have my kids like what I do. And that's why I limit them. But I don't want to put that pressure on them to be a fan of mine.

Comedians work great as actors because they're good under pressure. With a lot of actors, you have to make them feel like everything's going really well to get a good performance out of them. But, if you have a comedian on the set, you can tell them, 'Hey, you really are screwing this up,' and then they just get better.

I personally don't believe people really grow. They just learn stuff when they were a kid, and hold on to it, and that affects every relationship they have.

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, "Did you miss a step?" "No," he answers, "I hit every one of them!"

To avoid conflict, agree with everything your signicant other says, no matter how moronic, until eventually you feel guilt-free breaking up.

When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.

Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.

I think all gay guys should get married. I think they should have to get married. They should have to adopt kids because, actually, I'm getting tired of their happy-go-lucky lifestyle. I've had it with them being all happy and in shape. I could look good in denim short shorts and combat boots, too, if I had all day to do leg presses at the gym.

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

Artie is going to do what ever Artie wants to do.

I'm from a little place called England ... We used to run the world before you.

If someone took the ‘F’ letter off me, I’d be ucked.