Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 786
"This is your brain." I've seen a lot of weird shit on drugs. I have never ever ever ever EVER looked at a fucking egg and thought it was a brain.
I don't want to take a pill. Go to Africa, go follow some bushman around. He's being chased by a lion. That's stress. You're not going to find a pygmy on Paxil, I'll tell you that right now.
Let me tell you what really happened... Every night before I go to bed, I have milk and cookies. One night I mixed some low-fat milk and some pasteurized, then I dipped my cookie in and the shit blew up.
When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my nightgown.
At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.
I get a kick out of being an outsider constantly. It allows me to be creative. I don't like anything in the mainstream and they don't like me.
Fear of intimacy thankfully keeps me from getting close to myself.
To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am "looking at." And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am "Get Him!"
I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said "It's nice to see so many bums on seats".
Women save every single thing you give them. What we consider gifts they consider potential evidence that could be used against you at a later date. That’s why they have so many shoes. They just need the boxes to save all the crap that we give them.
A problem of type 2094 has occurred... what the fuck is that... what does that mean... what are the 2093 problems I skipped to get to this one?