Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 790
I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."
I go - that's a nice tie. That's right, Davie. Ralph Lauren regularly $80. A little tomato stain, you can barely see it, 4 bucks! Sweet.
Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
I fall in love so fast. I come back after the first date, I tell my friends, 'She's unbelievable!' And they say, 'What did she do?' 'I don't know. I think she's a mammal.'
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"
This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.
I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.
A man goes to a barbershop and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Five." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Four." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Six." The man leaves, and the barber says to another, "Follow that man!" The man comes back and says, "He goes to your house!"
Republican presidential hopeful Mike Hucka-BS is attacking actress Natalie Portman for getting pregnant without being married. It could get a little awkward if he runs into Sarah and Bristol Palin at Fox News.
Nationalism and patriotism in the wrong hands will destroy lives, it really will, because I'll tell you something: it takes a village to ruin a child. I think we've proven that time and time again in this country.
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
Sometimes you've got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun.