Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 790

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

I know that can hit close to home for some people....was anyone here aborted?... 'I was found in a trash can!' Okay, well, that sorta counts...

I appreciate y’all having me. A lot of you ain’t laughing right now, but goddammit I’m funny. And I’ll have your ass vomiting shortly. Believe that.

We do not believe, had he been white, that he would be dead. And when we black folks say to America that we're not going to tolerate it, it's going to stop.

I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."

You can be gangsta in good weather, These niggas were Gangsta in 99 Feet of mothafuckin' water. Nigga how is you swimming and keeping your Pistol out the water at the same time!?!

I don't think of my opponents in the sense that I don't think of them consciously, I don't steer it one way or the other.

If the veins in the back of your legs look like the street map of greater Pittsburgh, you ain't nobody's "babydoll".

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, "What do you have in lingerie?" She says, "More than you’ll ever have!"

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

You might be a redneck if a full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.

It's not a mystery to me what happened with 9/11. These guys are out there. We knew they were out there. It was a failure of will on our part to address the situation 10 years before. There is no big mystery about it.

You know, making a movie is a collaborative effort and sometimes all the ingredients don’t work out. I know that every now and again I am going to make a movie that won’t work.

Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.

We have archeology on television, and I quite like it; it’s a sort of detective thing, but it’s really true, you know it’s there… But it’s kind of slow on telly, it has this problem of, “We’ve been here three weeks on live television, and we’ve taken off about a millimeter of top soil so far…” There’s men with brushes and beards… maybe they’ve just got beards, I’m not sure… “We found this and carbon-dated it to last Tuesday, so we’re very excited…”