Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 790

Nationalism and patriotism in the wrong hands will destroy lives, it really will, because I'll tell you something: it takes a village to ruin a child. I think we've proven that time and time again in this country.

I was married by a judge - I should have asked for a jury.

Anything that has cynicism to it and that's jaded is smutty.

He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.

Comedians work great as actors because they're good under pressure. With a lot of actors, you have to make them feel like everything's going really well to get a good performance out of them. But, if you have a comedian on the set, you can tell them, 'Hey, you really are screwing this up,' and then they just get better.

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn’t say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

The Holocaust would never have happened if black people lived in Germany in the 1930s and 40s … well, it wouldn't have happened to Jews.

My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can’t force you to give it back.

You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My bad!".

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

I don't want to take a pill. Go to Africa, go follow some bushman around. He's being chased by a lion. That's stress. You're not going to find a pygmy on Paxil, I'll tell you that right now.

A woman would pitch a joke. Nothing. Then a guy would pitch it and everybody would laugh.

Some dead people said smart stuff.

My father once told me, and it's stuck with me to this day: "As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward."

No matter what you’re doing in life, listen. Listen, wait, process it, then you open your mouth. Gather the information and then you reply. Anything else, you’re bound to fail. Anything you do, do it like that. When you don’t know how to deal with your lady, take an improv class. You can improv on her birthday. You can improv on your anniversary. You can improv in the bedroom. Can you imagine the skills you would have with your lady if you just listened better? Improv opens doors to everything. It’ll keep you from getting fired. It’ll keep you from getting a ticket. It’ll get you a nice time with your lady. Before you open your mouth, make sure you’ve listened. You can have anything you want in life.