Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 790

Edinburgh is the only place you can be sunburned and get trench foot on the same day.

Let me tell you, never before in the history of this planet has anybody made the progress that African-Americans have made in a 30-year period, in spite of many black folks and white folks lying to one another.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

You might be a redneck if you celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

Thank God I'm at that point in my career where I don't have to take stuff that I don't really want to do.

Sometimes when I watch porn I get my hoodie on so I feel creepier.

Scientists think they can now clone an all-white zebra. Now, I'm no expert, but isn't that a horse?

Whenever I watch the beginning of Jimmy Fallon, I feel like I should sue the Roots for bait and switch.

It has this scope that's outrageous, but yet at the core, these very intimate scenes, so that alone is interesting.

Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating.

I had a lovely military flight, thank you. I love spiraling in - nothing like that to make your colon go, "Fire in the hole!"

Shakespeare said, "Kill all the lawyers." There were no agents then.

Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.

How many of you text message? It’s a great way of not communicating.

Just now when I said, "I have a crush on you," you didn't say, "no way loser". I'd rather have a lobotomy by a leper. That means something.