Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 789
I don't want to take a pill. Go to Africa, go follow some bushman around. He's being chased by a lion. That's stress. You're not going to find a pygmy on Paxil, I'll tell you that right now.
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my nightgown.
I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said "It's nice to see so many bums on seats".
With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.
People come up to me and say "Steve, what is film editing?" And I say "How should I know? You're the director."
I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can't figure out how to make into a belt?
Some people rely on rumors and gossip because they are devoid of any original thought.
I quit drinking, and I figure if I go to ten Yankee games this year without drinking I'll save $32,000.
If you think the last four words to the national anthem are "gentleman, start your engines", you might be a redneck.
I saw hamlet at the Globe Theater. Notice I didn't say I heard it. Some asshole with a whooping cough was right behind me. Hey lung chunks, if you're sick, stay the fuck home!
When I was seven, my parents had a party, and I went around to all the guests with a glass of water, and I said, "Here, drink this. This is a magic glass of water. If you drink this, you all get a little bit taller." And they all drank some, and they thought, "Oh, isn't this a weird kid?" And when they all drank some and went back to what they were doin', I went to the room where they keep all the coats, and I hemmed all the sleeves two inches. They were all freakin' out when they left.
One of these days I'm going to bite you and I'm gonna get very, very sick.
This is how dumb the real estate agents are in New Jersey. They put their headshots and their advertisements on city benches. You know who sleeps on city benches? Homeless people. Why don’t you just put a picture of a four course meal next to it. “Here’s two things you’ll never own.”