Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 789

I'm keeping in shape, you know, gotta look good for the ladies -- and certain guys. Hey, I can't control who's looking. I just gotta bring the heat.

I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can't figure out how to make into a belt?

To this day I can't get aroused until I see a pair of rubber dice hanging from the mirror.

Apparently my street has a leaf blower gang who tag team all day, so the sounds of the leaf blower are forever blowing from dawn to dusk.

I hadn't seen a body put together like that since I solved the case of the Murdered Girl with the Big Tits.

I just read an article in the paper the other day that, in an experiment, a medical experiment, they actually hooked up electrodes to the pleasure center of a lab monkey's brain and, at the flip of a switch, sent the monkey into perpetual orgasm. I've always been against animal testing, but where do I get the home game of this?

I'm slower and some days are better than others, but I'm a fighter.

Wouldn't it be great if people were the same in bed as they are in every day life? When Mark Spitz gets done, does he do a flip off the headboard and come back for another lap? 'Gee, Nadia, that was perfect! That full twisting dismount wasn't bad either, babe!'

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

God picked us to be the slaves because we can handle it…. If the white folks would have been slaves, the shit would have ended in 20 minutes. “Chains! And it’s not gold!... Call my lawyer!... Get your things Susan we’re out of here.”

Family reunions is that time when you come face to face with your family tree and realize some branches need to be cut.

In honor of Veteran's Day, make sure to pinch anybody not wearing green.

Edinburgh is the only place you can be sunburned and get trench foot on the same day.

Well, let me welcome myself to Texas. Where a man comes home and hangs his hat on his lap.

I changed my act because I wasn't getting booked.