Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 789
The truth is, the family is much more creatively nourishing because you're playing on a full keyboard. Whereas when you're single, you're just playing the upbeat jazzy tunes.
I don't know what I think of George W. Bush when he first got in, but I've grown fond of the man, and maybe it's the times we live in. They say he's not an environmentalist. But every time I see his ranch on TV, it looks pretty nice. You know something, if we all took care of our own, we'd have a great environment.
Some people rely on rumors and gossip because they are devoid of any original thought.
I quit drinking, and I figure if I go to ten Yankee games this year without drinking I'll save $32,000.
If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 miles per hour... you might be a redneck.
My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, Well that taught me a lesson.
I went to computer class with my Dell and I was bullied by a guy with a Mac.
And traffic! Traffic's a nightmare! That's how people describe it, a nightmare. Has anyone had this nightmare? "AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!" "What is it, darling? Are you all right?" "No, I'm not all right at all!" "What was it?" "TRAFFIC!!!"
Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
I like to crack the jokes now and again, but it's only because I struggle with math.
The problem with suicide is that it seems so flamboyant. It’s camp. You have to be a bit of a drama queen to ever seriously consider it.
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic! Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus! One of those two doesn't sound right.
I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."