Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 791

You want to look younger... rent smaller children.

You don't have to have 14 committees and studios weighing in. Its really just you.

I still feel pangs of remorse over an insidious habit I've had since I was a teenager. About three times a week, I attend estate auctions and make insulting, low-ball bids for prized heirlooms until I'm asked to leave.

I was once involved in a same-sex marriage. There was the same sex over and over and over.

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.

I think that I would be a good father… especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.

I'm from a little place called England ... We used to run the world before you.

I come around when you least expect me! I'm sitting at the bar when your glass is empty!

School, in general, was not great. Children are just mean to each other… but by high school, I probably stopped being annoying to people, and people stopped being mean. By the end of it, it was wonderful.

With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.

This weekend, Pam Anderson tied the knot with Rick Salomon in Las Vegas. The minister who married them said, ‘Is there anyone here who believes this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony?’ And then he raised his hand.

I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can't figure out how to make into a belt?

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.