Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 801
My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
I don't blame my parents for my dysfunctions... I blame their parents.
I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
There's no way I can justify my salary level, but I'm learning to live with it.
A problem of type 2094 has occurred... what the fuck is that... what does that mean... what are the 2093 problems I skipped to get to this one?
I never thought that Bill Clinton should be the president. When he was running to be the president of the United States, he said on over a hundred occasions, he said the following: He said, 'One of the great accomplishments while I was the governor of Arkansas, was to take my state in education from 50th to 49th.' And I thought, ' you know, Bill, you should keep that a secret.'
There’s nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her. Because the kid can tell. “Here’s Tickle Me Elmo!” She’s like, “Fuck you!” I stand by my decision.
Whenever we go out, I pay all the tolls. Yeah - he backs up to the tolls so the booth would be on my side.
Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
I became vegan because I saw footage of what really goes on in the slaughterhouses and on the dairy farms.
I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, "Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest." This guy was reaching. I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don't think a Marlboro Light's gonna faze him that much.
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
Nobody is going to be as bad for free thinking, right-minded individuals than George Bush.