Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 801

My mother was an authority on pigsties. This is the worst looking pigsty I've ever seen in my life.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

[about the contents of a brochure from the American Heart Association regarding the resumption of sexual activity following a heart attack] Caution: Anal intercourse may lead to irregular heart rhythms. Yeah, you know I'm never gonna have to worry about that. Because God gave me a second lease on life and I'm not gonna press my luck and take it up the ass.

I was the youngest in my family. When the other kids went to school, my mother would make them breakfast and then she would go back to bed for an hour, so I was sort of babysat by television.

I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. “What do you want?”, she asked. “I want to stay here”, I replied. “Well, stay there then”, she said and closed the window.

Life is a myth. Death is real. Orgasms rule.

I went to computer class with my Dell and I was bullied by a guy with a Mac.

I think I'm going to put baby powder all over my legs before this walk just to be safe.

I have a theory that the Internet makes people stupider - and also FOX News makes people stupider.

See, you learn about humans when you have a baby. Like girls. Girls are so much more advanced than boys. I seriously think that girls are born in conversation. Like, they come out of the womb, talking: "Are you my mother? Lovely to put a name to a face."

On Peter Crouch: Even in name, he seems like a Victorian oddity. “Igor, fetch ‘the Crouch’ from the catacombs, we’re going to the graveyard”.

You know me, I love lost causes.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

If you're saying what are penguins like, they're a bit persnickety, I'll say that... Um, thank you, I have a thesaurus in my house.

Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, "Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards."