Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 801
This weekend, Pam Anderson tied the knot with Rick Salomon in Las Vegas. The minister who married them said, ‘Is there anyone here who believes this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony?’ And then he raised his hand.
I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can't figure out how to make into a belt?
Sometimes we become attached to what’s familiar, and sometimes we hold on to things that are safe and predictable, even if they are bad for us.
The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.
Obama says he's bringing 10,000 troops home. The Republicans are calling it a "failed jobs program."
I never thought that Bill Clinton should be the president. When he was running to be the president of the United States, he said on over a hundred occasions, he said the following: He said, 'One of the great accomplishments while I was the governor of Arkansas, was to take my state in education from 50th to 49th.' And I thought, ' you know, Bill, you should keep that a secret.'
Parenting is the easiest job to get - you just have to screw up once and it's yours.
If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.
What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
Wouldn't it be great if people were the same in bed as they are in every day life? When Mark Spitz gets done, does he do a flip off the headboard and come back for another lap? 'Gee, Nadia, that was perfect! That full twisting dismount wasn't bad either, babe!'
If I ever commit suicide I’m going to fling myself off the top of a skyscraper, but before I do I’m going to stuff my pockets with candy and gum. That way when the onlookers walk up they can go, “Oh man he really must have been dep - Hey, Snickers!”
To every race of people in here tonight that whitey has jacked up, I sincerely apologize - for taking your land, for the abuse, for the torture, for the small pox blanket, for the Jim Crow laws. Black people, I apologize for Kramer.
Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.