Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 800

If you are feeling overly optimistic the Republican Candidates Debate is on.

How many of you text message? It’s a great way of not communicating.

Anything that has cynicism to it and that's jaded is smutty.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Well, excuuuuuse me!!!

I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian.

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

Clinton could have done a better job with the hurricane while having sex.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

I can't just say the words, do a lot of one-liners. I love each person I play; I have to be that person. I have to do him true.

Orthodox Jews, or, as they are known in the Talmud, the Really Chosen Ones, are committed to the idea that the entire Torah was dictated by God verbatim to Moses at Mount Sinai... Other forms of Judaism dispute this claim, although it does explain certain passages in the first Torah, such as, "I'm sorry, am I boring you?" and "What do you like better, Moses, Lord Almighty or Big Hoohah?"

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.

A new child in the house is a huge tourist attraction. It's like Disneyland, except there the lines are longer and no one brings casseroles.

I don't blame my parents for my dysfunctions... I blame their parents.

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.