Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 805

Nobody is going to be as bad for free thinking, right-minded individuals than George Bush.

If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.

If I try to cover too much ground, you start to get watered down and less interesting.

North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.

There are a couple hard things. One, getting a funny idea that people can relate to; a funny idea or a funny script; there's a million pitches.

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

So I go in and I go into the snack bar. I don't think it should be legal to call anything that costs $18.50 a snack. Yeah, those are nice Twizzlers, do you have financial aid?

One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.

I've gotten to a place where I am comfortable and I don't battle myself. I'm further ahead than I ever thought I'd be. I've exceeded everyone's expectations. Including, I think, my own.

I'm like the Hulk on stage. It's way over the top. That's Bizarro Chris. Sometimes I get off stage and go "What did I say?!" I'll watch one of my stand-up specials a year later and go "Eww, that was mean."

One of my uncles said that apparently at birth I snuck out… I thought maybe someone was following me.

It's an honor to walk in the footsteps of a legend. As host I intend to honor the tradition of The Bob Hope Classic and have a great time blazing a new path.

You know that kind of drunk where you're a drink away from yelling faggot or being one.