Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 805
I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio.
I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, "Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest." This guy was reaching. I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don't think a Marlboro Light's gonna faze him that much.
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'
I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three dollar pantyhose that won't run.
You know that kind of drunk where you're a drink away from yelling faggot or being one.
Like, see, I'd never vote for George Bush Junior, but I don't know anything about his politics. All I know about that George Bush Junior is that that guy sniffed cocaine. That's right. Now, listen, we can't have that shit in the White House. That may be fine for a mayor; but goddammit, not the White House! The stakes are too high. He'd be sellin' nuclear secrets for 20 or 30 dollars and shit.
If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.
After a one night stand, make sure you wait two days before you call and tell her she has AIDS.
My dad's all I've ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand why now - babysitters cost beer, beer and-a-half an hour.
My dad's third heart attack, he'd gotten so good at them, he decided to drive himself to the hospital because 'They won't let me smoke in the ambulance!' and 'You can't make a burger run.'