Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 806
My dad's third heart attack, he'd gotten so good at them, he decided to drive himself to the hospital because 'They won't let me smoke in the ambulance!' and 'You can't make a burger run.'
What I have now are good problems of trying to decide and what I really want to do is good work next. My phone's ringing a lot more and I've got nine lines so when it doesn't ring, it's very frustrating.
I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.
The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.
The camera adds ten pounds. Why? What, we don't have the technology to remedy that one little thing? We can have fucking Forrest Gump cohorting with John F. Kennedy, and we can't just fix that one little thing, the ten pound variant on a lens... You can actually levitate now when you watch a movie about flying, but they just don't have the technology for that ten pound margin of error.
Also, I realized a lot of kids are listening to me. Whether I want to be or not, they're looking up to me.
How many of you text message? It’s a great way of not communicating.
I felt in a lot of instances I was deliberately being put through stress because when you're a guy who generates money, people have a vested interested in controlling you.
Sometimes you've got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun.
In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who "don't know." What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll.
Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.
Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.