Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 806

Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they'd boo.

I have a beard. Just not on my face...

I have to drink this much to be as unfunny as you.

I've hung out in the writer's room a few times, but the fact is we've got such a good writing staff, I don't want to get my peanut butter fingerprints on anything.

I still feel pangs of remorse over an insidious habit I've had since I was a teenager. About three times a week, I attend estate auctions and make insulting, low-ball bids for prized heirlooms until I'm asked to leave.

1st of December, World Aids Day….I don’t think it’ll ever take off like Christmas.

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.

"Sort of" is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!"

We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.

According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime.

Nobody ever says, "Can I have your beets?"

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.

I'm severely overrated. I'm just above a hack.