Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 821
I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, "Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest." This guy was reaching. I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don't think a Marlboro Light's gonna faze him that much.
It was like falling in love with a girl who was just throwing up all over herself -- softly holding her hair back and whispering to her that everything was going to be alright. To me, that's what the last eight years were like, here in America: projectile vomiting all over yourself as the rest of the world rubbed your back, saying, 'Sssshhh, that's it. Let it all out.'
You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!
By the time we get to church, I need church cuz I've been yelled at by everyone in the family.
You can't be happy that fire cooks your food and be mad it burns your fingertips.
Someone told me that carrots are good for your eyes. What they failed to tell me is that you have to take them orally.
It means a lot in that I always felt invisible, and I was louder in my own head than I was verbally. I was torturing myself, wanting to say things and not knowing how to be. The stand-up was a way out but it never came easy. So to have something that's named after me make it, and that has history tied to Desi and Freddie and now Freddie Jr., it's unbelievable to me because I never really thought anything good would happen to me.
As an actor, there was that freedom of not having to worry about lights or marks or other people. It was just going out there and having fun with the character.
So I go in and I go into the snack bar. I don't think it should be legal to call anything that costs $18.50 a snack. Yeah, those are nice Twizzlers, do you have financial aid?
If you wait too long in Vegas, you end up with a chicken finger in your underwear.