Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 822
I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It’s an organism on its own. I focus on that living hydra in the dark.
The Hunchback of Notre-Dame, who said to his tailor Irving, "Forget the slacks - please work on the blazer!" Never got a dinner!
That shirt looks good on you. You know what else would look good on you? My friend Dave, I think you should go out with him.
People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch’s face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?
I get some acting jobs. I like it other than the constant slipping in and out of character.
If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they'd boo.
If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.
Burt Reynolds, great sex symbol of the movies, who said, "I owe it all to one great part." Never got a dinner!
Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog...
I think I've drawn from some of the most feminine women, like Jackie Kennedy. I am totally devastated that she's gone. She had it all.
I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, 'Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.'