Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 822
I was the youngest in my family. When the other kids went to school, my mother would make them breakfast and then she would go back to bed for an hour, so I was sort of babysat by television.
You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that?
You might be a redneck if you call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
The things that make me angry still make me angry. George Carlin is 67, and he's still as funny as he's ever been, and he's still angry. And that makes me feel good, because I feel like if I stick around long enough, I'll still be able to work.
My great great grandmother was a cunt in the late eighteen hundreds, long before it was popular to be a cunt.
I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of 1963.
Dear Momma - Wherever you are, if ever you hear the word 'nigger' again, remember they are advertising my book.
The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
I just went home to Illinois, and I asked my family, ‘Are you guys planning on talking in those accents the whole time I’m home?’ And my mother said, ‘You used to talk like that, too, Tasha.’ And I said, ‘Yes, but you see, I’ve reinvented myself. Do you have any idea who I think I am?’
The more developed your abs, the less time you’ve spent reading.
The internet, it’s destroyed porn hasn’t it, it’s so depressing if you’re a teenage boy now because you can type in ‘tit’ and you’ve got every image under the sun. When I was a kid the only way you found porn was when it magically arrived in the woods. What a moment that was in your youth!