Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 822

I used to get letters saying, 'I didn't know black children and white children were the same.'

If anybody comes up to you and says, "My kid is a conservative - why is that?" you say, "Remember in the 60′s when we told you if you kept using drugs your kids would be mutants?"

It's great to tell people you have your own show, but that's where the fun stops.

My great great grandmother was a cunt in the late eighteen hundreds, long before it was popular to be a cunt.

White men have screwed this country up! I would like a black, female…. everything all rolled into one.I want something different. I want a real change. People, I want a president who speaks well, who has a sense of humor. This guy is such a moron! It's beyond the point where it's a joke. He's an idiot.

If I live below a tap dancer I would just put really powerful magnets on the ceiling. We're not tapping shit now, are we? More of a tap stander.

Dear Momma - Wherever you are, if ever you hear the word 'nigger' again, remember they are advertising my book.

I'm happy if everybody else is. I'm a big brother, the oldest. If you're happy and I'm not, I'm cool with that. If I'm happy and you're not, I'm sad.

Thomas Jefferson once said: 'Of course the people don't want war. But the people can be brought to the bidding of their leader. All you have to do is tell them they're being attacked and denounce the pacifists for somehow a lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.' I think that was Jefferson. Oh wait. That was Hermann Goering. Shoot.

Don't puss out on me now!

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

Your main contribution is spray painting your nickname on other people’s things. And my cousin, who’s a ‘gangster’, he’s like, ‘No, Tash, you don’t understand; you throw a fat piece up there, that piece is yours.’ I’m like, ‘No one thinks you own Costco.’

Have you heard his [Justin Bieber] new song? ‘Cause he thinks he’s a black man now.

The royal baby has a name now: George Alexander Louis. George is not the king yet. So for now, we just address him as "Boy George."

It's a wonderful feeling when your father becomes not a god but a man to you - when he comes down from the mountain and you see he's this man with weaknesses. And you love him as this whole being, not as a figurehead.