Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 833
I don't want to say work is who I am, but some people feel more centered and more whole when they're producing and creating.
My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, “Let’s get your nephew a set of drums. That’s what your brother did to us last year.”
You treat a disease, you win, you lose. You treat a person, I'll guarantee you'll win.
I think, in most cases, the difference between depression and disappointment is your level of commitment.
The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.
How come there’s no self-effacing rappers? “Had to go to Goodwill to get this jacket/ that’s ‘cause I’m in a low-income tax bracket.”
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Hanging out with a baby is like hanging out with a really, really small… really, really hammered person all the time. That’s really all a baby is. Just the smallest drunkest person that you ever seen in your life. I found myself talking to my sister’s baby the same way I do a buddy at the end of a Saturday night. It’s the same conversation. It’s just me standing over him going, “What’s wrong dude? Why you crying?”
I don't know what people have against Jimmy Carter. He's done nothing.
It’s horrible being alone. I threw a surprise party for myself. I parked the car down the street. Tried to fool myself. I set up a piñata up with a blindfold and a baseball bat and ended up my neighbor’s house, beating up their grandmother.
You might be a redneck if you call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
We've written the stories as they've happened in our lives, and they have happened in our lives, and people seem to identify with them. And as scary as that sounds, people seem themselves in us.
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.