Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 833
Family reunions is that time when you come face to face with your family tree and realize some branches need to be cut.
See... What I felt they should have done, for our first public works project, is build a giant wall... across the entire border of Canada. Because that's where the cold air comes from.
In honor of Veteran's Day, make sure to pinch anybody not wearing green.
You might be a redneck if your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
I’m divorced… I tried to save my marriage. I went to counseling. Spent $5,000 to have two women call me a loser.
I was taken to the hospital for observation. I stayed several days, didn't observe anything, and I left.
I'm very big in Australia, New Zealand, Britain, Canada and America. It's nice. I have a lovely life, and actually it pays better than the movies. Well, it doesn't pay better than Tom Cruise in the movies. But it pays better than I get. I get bus fare compared to these guys.
You ever play a video game with your girl? They’ll hit one button 87 times because they like the color on the remote. “Ohmigod! Blue! Yea!” And win every game. “I won! Yea! I’m a ninja!” <br /> I get mad. “You’re not a ninja! I’m the only ninja of the house! I do flips. You kick me in the shin 87 times.”
She was moving to Los Angeles, so I thought, ‘Hey, you know? I’ll go with her.’ So when we get out to LA... The relationship, you know, once the geography changed, my God... It was a fucking nightmare!
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
I'm writing a book. It's called The Soft Spot... and Other Ways to Stop a Crying Baby.
Know why it takes so many sperm to fetrtilize one egg - cause none of those fuckers will ask for directions.
It means a lot in that I always felt invisible, and I was louder in my own head than I was verbally. I was torturing myself, wanting to say things and not knowing how to be. The stand-up was a way out but it never came easy. So to have something that's named after me make it, and that has history tied to Desi and Freddie and now Freddie Jr., it's unbelievable to me because I never really thought anything good would happen to me.