Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 833

Your body just said no to pie. It’s not going to say yes to puke.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

I guess because of my act, people think that I say things they want to say, and that they can just come up and say anything to me.

Some dead people said smart stuff.

I found someones passport on the ground tonight. Where do you sell these things?

Men don't hear women.

My wife got us a catalog of stuff just for our dogs. 42 pages of things just for our dogs. She bought a feeding dish this high off the ground. I said, “What does he need that for?”, and she says, “So he don’t got to bend his neck to eat!” I just saw him licking his own ass! Excuse me for thinking he’s limber enough to eat! She said, “It helps his digestion!” I said, “His digestion’s just fine! I pick it up out of the yard every morning.”

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

Writing is thinking and thinking is hard work.

Why do bad guys in movies always love to whistle really slowly?

They say, "Keep your enemies closer." But what if you live with them?

If I were to say that I grew up in East Los Angeles in the projects poor, I assumed that everybody understood that it came with its own reasons for being the way I am. I didn’t get that people needed to understand where my comedy came from; I thought that they knew that. Now I tell people.

Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.

I think everything contributes to your creativity.