Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 834
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
The other day my twelve-year-old says to me, "I don't feel like I'm with you right now. You're in the car with me, you're checking your e-mail, you're not listening to me, I don't feel like I'm with you." And I say, "You know what? That was your mother's gripe, too. And she was right. And you're also correct." When you cop to something, you get to the next level. In this case, the next level is: I just learned something from my twelve-year-old.
King Solomon, who said to his thousand wives, "For better service, take a number." Never got a dinner!
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?
I won't talk about what it was like in prison, except to say I'm glad I'm out and that I plan never to go back and to pay my taxes every day.
I think comedy is on an organic upsurge right now because when I started, it was 1978 at The Comedy Store and Letterman had just stopped emceeing his morning show.
I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder.
I found someones passport on the ground tonight. Where do you sell these things?
Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?
My horoscope was so depressing today, it included a list of poisons.
"Sort of" is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!"