Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 834
An Israeli man's life was saved when he was given a Palestinian man's heart in a heart transplant operation. The guy is doing fine, but the bad news is, he can't stop throwing rocks at himself.
The putts break toward the diamond lane on the freeway here. I had a putt break toward a call box, so I know it depends on what lane. I missed a two-footer because a guy was changing his tire in my line.
Why in our lifetimes was there a programme called Dogs with Jobs? They used to put it on at 11.30am! I resented a programme called Dogs with Jobs being put on when they knew unemployed people would be watching.
I'm like the Hulk on stage. It's way over the top. That's Bizarro Chris. Sometimes I get off stage and go "What did I say?!" I'll watch one of my stand-up specials a year later and go "Eww, that was mean."
I'm a rap comedian the same way Bill Cosby is a jazz comedian, Cosby's laid back. I'm like, bang, bang bang, right into it.
Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped."
My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.
Her call to me was a t shirt with a huge picture of me on the corner, monstrous. And under it said Dave. So you wouldn't be confused that this guy was this guy. Exact replica.
I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant…because I believe in myself.
We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.
Anyone who has faith in humanity is probably an uneducated extraterrestrial.
You might be a redneck if you keep a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach your kids in the back seat of the car.
Every comedian has a moment in his life when he realizes he's a little bit different from everyone else. It's like being the only guy in a movie who sees the ghost. The ghost talks to you and you talk to him. Then you turn to your friend and say, "Hey. Do you see that ghost?" And he says, "What ghost?"