Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 838
The other day my twelve-year-old says to me, "I don't feel like I'm with you right now. You're in the car with me, you're checking your e-mail, you're not listening to me, I don't feel like I'm with you." And I say, "You know what? That was your mother's gripe, too. And she was right. And you're also correct." When you cop to something, you get to the next level. In this case, the next level is: I just learned something from my twelve-year-old.
A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"
I think about dying. I've come to realize we all die alone in one way or another.
Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
In every circle of friends there's always that one person everyone secretly hates. Don't have one? Then it's probably you.
I am the comedy version of ambidextrous. I’m working with my left and right hand. I’m the two-sided coin. I’m all of those metaphors you can think of. I’m the interracial couple. I’m BET and CBS.
I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?
So I go to this spa, and it was weird. They had pillows all over the floor, Zamfir music playing, water flowing over rocks, supposed to relax you. Made me have to go pee! Then she starts rubbing my butt! Yeah! All I could think was “Don’t fart!” Yeah, you’ve thought about it, haven’t you! ‘Cause when you’re standing up and you’ve got gas, you can clench it in. When someone’s rubbing your butt cheeks east and west, you’re bound to let one of those icky dog farts squirt out.
I think comics in New York are interested in being comics. And there're comics in L.A. who are touring comics, who are certainly more interested in stand-up, but a lot of L.A. stand-ups are really looking to do something else.
Heroin’s like having oral sex and, at the same time, a puppy’s licking your face. You don’t want that.
The best comedy, I feel, comes in a drama because it balances each other out.