Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 838

Oh, you wanna do a little bit of roleplay? Could you just play dead?

There is no way any rational, reasonable person can say that the Bush Administration has been good for America.

What has Iraq done to us?

The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.

I would say, as far as heckling, there’s benign and there’s malignant; like tumors man. Sometimes you get really nice hecklers. I’d say percentage-wise it’s only about 10 to 20 percent the whole year.

I have such disdain for anybody who gets joy out of blowing the stuffing out of a little woodland creature, that I don't really care if any of them gets shot.

Lower your expectations and live your life like it isn't yours.

I was getting dressed and a peeping Tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.

I'm very much an optimist. I don't think I could do my work if I didn't believe there was some kind of hope for humanity.

That's one of the reasons why we think the U.S. dollar probably should strengthen going into the Fed meeting toward the end of the month.

Dress simply. If you wear a dinner jacket, don't wear anything else on it... like lunch or dinner.

You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice.

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."