Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 838

Old is always fifteen years from now.

You treat a disease, you win, you lose. You treat a person, I'll guarantee you'll win.

I feel grandiose when I feel truly happy.

If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and the image they're showing is the same as the one in your head, kill yourself. You're better off coming back as a lobster.

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

You might be a redneck if people are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.

If you ever go to Las Vegas, and you will, just go for a few days. I was there recently for seven days, seven days in Vegas. After I blew all my money on gambling and prostitution, I had six days to kill.

I liked Amsterdam. I spent $2,000 window shopping.

You might be a redneck if your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

I used to get letters saying, 'I didn't know black children and white children were the same.'

I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion.

I think maybe my four-year-old has come up with a new metaphor. We don’t want “everything out of life,” we want “everything and a kite”!

My great great grandmother was a cunt in the late eighteen hundreds, long before it was popular to be a cunt.

We are now the proud owners of a white boy. Now we have to shop in the caucasian isle and get sunscreen, mayonaise and mild salsa because the other ones really hawt!

North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.