Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 837

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think, I'm fucking havin that!'

There are fears that Britain could be facing a double-dip recession, or worse still, a double-dip with misery sprinkles and fuck-where's-my-job-sauce.

Contrary to public opinion, I'm not negative, just realistic.

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.

One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

I got recognized today in Dixons, a member of staff came up to me and said ‘hey your that mad bloke off the tele’, I went ‘thats me’, and he went ‘no, your that mad bloke….off the tele!’

And by the way, the fact that she's not speaking to anyone in her family is a pretty good indicator that she is the problem.

Anyone who tells you that they know, they just know what happens when you die, I promise you, you dont. How can I be so sure? Because I dont know and you do not possess mental powers that I do not.

I am the comedy version of ambidextrous. I’m working with my left and right hand. I’m the two-sided coin. I’m all of those metaphors you can think of. I’m the interracial couple. I’m BET and CBS.

There are few takers for the quiet heart.

There should be some kind of dedication of a portion of the funds to Town Center.

Boy, am I glad to get rid of that fucking Mother Teresa.

Old is always fifteen years from now.

You treat a disease, you win, you lose. You treat a person, I'll guarantee you'll win.