Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 837

You might be a redneck if your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

I just celebrated seventeen years without a drug or a drink in my body. Seventeen years sober. I don’t need to get high. I got gambling to fall back on.

There are some muscles I don’t think I need my personal trainer to find as I won’t be using them at my age anyway

This is a fun game: If you have a planner, like, an old planner… just like, in a park, just leave the planner out on the ground. And then someone comes and picks it up, you know, and they open it, and inside, it just says: 1. Drop planner; 2. Wait for person to pick up planner; 3. Get person; 4. If they look around, wait ‘til tonight to get them. Or exactly one year from today.

If you want to play the "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" home game, just send us a million dollars, and we'll send you a desk and four stools.

My buddy Tom... he'd been chasing a girl for two years, and he got her the old-fashioned way - dates and listening.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

They have a show on MTV that I can't stand, 'Cribs.' You ever watch 'Cribs'? Yeah, that show should be called, 'Wanna Feel Like a Failure?'

Once I realised the value of making people laugh, I got very good at it. Fast.

We are now the proud owners of a white boy. Now we have to shop in the caucasian isle and get sunscreen, mayonaise and mild salsa because the other ones really hawt!

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

Then, there was Cary Grant. He spent three hours a week in hospitals teaching nervous people how to eat jello.

Her call to me was a t shirt with a huge picture of me on the corner, monstrous. And under it said Dave. So you wouldn't be confused that this guy was this guy. Exact replica.

And I love to ride my bike, which is great aerobics, but also just a great time for me to think, so it's like this terrific double bill.

I believe that every paper in the country should have one headline that when you read it, you laugh so hard you can't stand it. It has to be that way. What about a headline like this: 'Hippo Eats Dwarf'? How good is that? You read that headline, and you immediately close the paper and say, 'Wow, it's gonna be a great day.'