Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 853

I don't like to drink alone 'cause there's nobody to fight with.

Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?

Saw a man in Whole Foods yelling at his son, "What are you doing?! You know I don't eat bread!!" Is there such a thing as health food abuse?

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

I love show business. I wake up every morning and kiss it.

There are few takers for the quiet heart.

Don’t clap I’m not a jazz band for Christ’s sake.

That word sassy - it haunts me. I keep getting the sassy thing.

The L. A. Times is reporting that Britney Spears' album Blackout will be number one on the Billboard charts. Not to toot my horn, but I predicted this on my show a week ago. No one wanted to believe me - even I didn't want to believe me, but now I know how Nostradamus feels.

Wittiest thing I’ve heard? Jim Tavares, when he was doing stand-up at the Comedy Store in 1988, and opened with “I’m a schizophrenic.” Some wag shouted out “why don’t you both fuck off?”

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

Life's temporary for a reason; it gets boring after a while.

Some men are heterosexual, and some men are homosexual, and some men don't think about sex at all. They become lawyers.

Remember, guns don't kill people - unless you practice real hard.

Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?