Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 853

Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

I was taken to the hospital for observation. I stayed several days, didn't observe anything, and I left.

I'm very big in Australia, New Zealand, Britain, Canada and America. It's nice. I have a lovely life, and actually it pays better than the movies. Well, it doesn't pay better than Tom Cruise in the movies. But it pays better than I get. I get bus fare compared to these guys.

My parents took a leave of absence moments after my birth.

I'm writing a book. It's called The Soft Spot... and Other Ways to Stop a Crying Baby.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Let me tell you, never before in the history of this planet has anybody made the progress that African-Americans have made in a 30-year period, in spite of many black folks and white folks lying to one another.

Once I realised the value of making people laugh, I got very good at it. Fast.

You know how when you pee in the toilet it sounds like a chipmunk commanding you to kill Kenny G?

On Sundays, I lay low, sulk a lot, and try to get my head together for next week.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I never dreamed I would receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, mostly because my style is so typically Austrian.

I felt audiences are happier to take comedy people who play darker people because there's a link between the psychosis of comedy and the psychosis of being a twisted character.

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

My wife is a light eater - as soon as it's light, she starts to eat.