Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 853
In perpetrating a revolution, there are two requirements: someone or something to revolt against and someone to actually show up and do the revolting. Dress is usually casual and both parties may be flexible about time and place, but if either faction fails to attend, the whole enterprise is likely to come off badly.
If a guy is treating you like he doesn’t give a shit, he genuinely doesn’t give a shit. No exceptions.
Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
We do it all the time, we legislate taste. We do it with the tax code. Churches and children get a tax break, because it's assumed that we all agree that we want to encourage churches and children. I don't. I don't. That's my opinion. I don't want to encourage either churches or children, and it's a very bad idea to put them together.
I hate bumper stickers, you can't sum anything up. All you do is paint yourself in some caricaturist corner.
In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.
When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it...
I didn't come from a background where I saw a lot of loving couples. All my aunts and uncles were either split up or fighting all the time. The only healthy relationships I saw were on TV.
If you, the citizen, deliberately vote for someone who won’t give you healthcare over someone who will, you need to have your head examined. Except you can’t afford to have your head examined.
You can't be happy that fire cooks your food and be mad it burns your fingertips.
Know why it takes so many sperm to fetrtilize one egg - cause none of those fuckers will ask for directions.
On Sundays, I lay low, sulk a lot, and try to get my head together for next week.
I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.
How many of you are creative? I don’t know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them… you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I’m an audience for myself.