Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 854

I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car.

Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.

I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".

Anyone you give a ton of money to is going to go slightly crazy. I don't think comedians are particularly special in that regard; they just are better or more vocal in their expressions of their craziness.

What has Iraq done to us?

Jack the Ripper’s mother, who said to Jack, "How come I never see you with the same girl twice? " Never got a dinner!

If Harry Potter's so magical, why can’t he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldn't need a broomstick to cling onto.

Lady’s like, “Sorry sir, we don’t have Internet service in all our hotel rooms. But don’t worry, we have free wireless in the lobby.”

I have a ton of Holocaust stuff, and some of it is really hard core.

I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day...Chlamydia.

You might be a redneck if your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

So I've learnt that the world is 4500 million years old. If you're very religious, then it's not 4500 million years old, it's 6000 years old. One of these is not correct.

I definitely want to be with somebody who doesn't feel lost or in my shadow.