Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 854

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.

I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer - I'm a dragon irritater.

When they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny. I was like, “Bottled water! Ha ha, they’re selling bottled water! I guess I’ll try it… Ahh… this is good. This is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it.”

I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.

I have such disdain for anybody who gets joy out of blowing the stuffing out of a little woodland creature, that I don't really care if any of them gets shot.

President Bush's approval ratings have taken somewhat of a dive. A senior slump, if you will. Leading President Bush to one conclusion: He is the only one who realizes what a great job he's being doing.

I've been a comedian since I was fourteen. But I've never really been a CEO.

I was getting dressed and a peeping Tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.

Marriage is just an elaborate game that allows two selfish people to periodically feel that they're not.

I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day...Chlamydia.

Sometimes I feel like I’m being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.

This woman woke up to see me and John Stamos banging on her windows. She must have thought she died and went to sitcom hell.

Sir, where can one go to find nice women here?

I definitely want to be with somebody who doesn't feel lost or in my shadow.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.