Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 854
I was dating a woman for a while. We had out first little sex talk. She actually said this to me. She said, “Todd, I’ve had anal sex before but don’t ask me who it was with.” I think if I made a list of every question I’d ask before that one, it would be a list of every question. Including “Who shot J.R.?”, “Where’s the beef?” and “Why would you think I’d want to know that?” OK, maybe not “Where’s the beef?” Because she might answer that one.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.
I would imagine that Bret would taste like a warm goat cheese, and Jemaine would taste like harvati with dill. Hmm...I'm hungry actually....[walks off camera]
I don't think that the administration is being particularly honest with the American people about what this is going to cost in life and in dollars, what the dangers are, retaliatory strikes, once it happens. This is not a war that needs to happen immediately, if ever.
You might be a redneck if people hear your car long before they see it.
I watched Anderson Cooper 360 for a year before I realized that the second hour was a repeat of the first. I just thought his reporting seemed familiar.
Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn’t stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.
I've been a comedian since I was fourteen. But I've never really been a CEO.
You don’t gossip while your man is driving. You sit there quietly until you’re about 5 minutes from your destination then you say, "would you like some road head?"