Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 852

What's with this sudden choice of disorders we get right now? When I was a kid, we just had crazy people. That's it, just crazy people.

I definitely want to be with somebody who doesn't feel lost or in my shadow.

It's great to be here. I thank you. Ah, I've been on the road doing comedy for ten years now, so bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plough through this shit one more time.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter.

It got up to 94 degrees today - that's pretty good at my age.

I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.

Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed … into my mouth.

It's okay to get stoned, as long as its not by other people.

Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It's amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Term-inator.

I went through every phone book in Africa, and I didn't find one goddamned Pryor!

Dick Cheney and Karl Rove, once two of the most powerful men in this country, are now suffering from Balzheimer's disease. Why didn't I see it before? Balzheimer's is a terrible illness that attacks the memory and gives its victims the balls to attack others for things they themselves made a career of. There is no known cure.

You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.