Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 852

This woman woke up to see me and John Stamos banging on her windows. She must have thought she died and went to sitcom hell.

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

I have heard it said that a complicated childhood can lead to a life in the arts. I tell you this story of my father and me to let you know I am qualified to be a comedian.

Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade.

When we were making out you kinda acted like it was nothing. Like you were doing it to prove you could do it or something.

The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.

Most Americans don't live their lives solely as Democrats or Republicans or conservatives or liberals. Most Americans live their lives that our just a little bit late for something they have to do. Often it’s something they do not want to do, but they do it. Impossible things get done every day that are only made possible by the little, reasonable compromises.

That word sassy - it haunts me. I keep getting the sassy thing.

Your ignorance cramps my conversation.

Each day it's like: 'How many more days am I going to feel young and vibrant? I feel young and vibrant now, but I also feel the aches and pains a little bit.'

Old is always fifteen years from now.

I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.

It's okay to get stoned, as long as its not by other people.