Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 852

I stopped and I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?”<br /> So I didn’t exist.

It upset me that, five days after the hurricane hit down in New Orleans, the President's plan was for a day of prayer. I would have thought a truck of food. A day of prayer. Now, maybe I'm mistaken here and, again, I'm not a scientific expert, but isn't a hurricane officially an act of God? Isn't a day of prayer kind of redundant? Hasn't God already made up his mind on that sort of thing? So we do a day of prayer. The President has his stupid day of prayer. Three days later, Hurricane Rita hits. Somebody must have said something... something like, "is that all you got?"

Tourists - have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking."

Every human being has an impact on another.

I thought I got a girl pregnant once. She called me up. She’s like, “I think I’m pregnant.” I was like, “The number you have reached…”

Life's temporary for a reason; it gets boring after a while.

I love to talk about people I've met being an entertainer. All my encounters in life - I roll it all into an hour and 30 minutes.

Was watching CNN one night, the first Gulf War, they are sitting around in the Baghdad hotel, the No Roof Inn or something, and they're watching "the Bachelor," and it's a little harder for the bachelor over there because it's tough to tell who's hot under the Burqua. They had just ordered some hummuus and smores from room service and all of a sudden a gallaga game broke out.

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.

Rappers when they get their awards they always credit God. “I’d like to thank Jesus Christ. Jehovah God Almighty. For my number one hit single. It’s called ‘Suck My Mama.’”

In perpetrating a revolution, there are two requirements: someone or something to revolt against and someone to actually show up and do the revolting. Dress is usually casual and both parties may be flexible about time and place, but if either faction fails to attend, the whole enterprise is likely to come off badly.

If a guy is treating you like he doesn’t give a shit, he genuinely doesn’t give a shit. No exceptions.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

I got you the big screen TV, deluxe karaoke machine, and THX quality sound that would make George Lucas cream in his pants!

Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.