Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 852
Her call to me was a t shirt with a huge picture of me on the corner, monstrous. And under it said Dave. So you wouldn't be confused that this guy was this guy. Exact replica.
Congratulations to the Italian people for winning the World Cup. They won after France’s best player got ejected for head butting. That’s the closest anyone in a French uniform has come to combat in 60 years
For me, comedy should have a certain amount of joy in it. It should be about attacking the powerful - the politicians, the Trumps, the blowhards - going after them. We shouldn't be attacking the vulnerable.
The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies.
There is no way any rational, reasonable person can say that the Bush Administration has been good for America.
I watched Anderson Cooper 360 for a year before I realized that the second hour was a repeat of the first. I just thought his reporting seemed familiar.
Lee Iacocca, who said to Dolly Parton, "Why do you need an airbag?" Never got a dinner!
Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.
She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.