Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 858
Fifteen years I have chosen not to drink. Because I'm not good at drinking. I know it. Erin knows it. The fire department that had to put me out knows it.
If you write a book, be sure it has exactly seventy-six "fucks" in it.
I was the equivalent of a 98 pound weakling. I would go to the beach and people would throw copies of Byron in my face!
I have a ton of Holocaust stuff, and some of it is really hard core.
Welcome to my garage! This is where I go to get away from the honey-do list.
Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy.
Denial is a powerful weapon. My dad taught me mind over matter. No matter how hurt I got, he didn't mind.
A little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, "Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks!" and runs out the door. The little jeweler says, "C-C-C-Come in?"
And now, I'm pleased to introduce the star of the film Gladiator, and a man I like to call a close, personal friend, but he told me not to...
She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
Guys who talk about their ex-girlfriend are like girls who talk about their farts.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.