Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 858
I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.
She had destroyed whatever was between us by making a profound gaffe: She met me.
It’s so stupid the shit we’re proud of. You know how you got to be who you are? Your parents fucked. There’s nothing to be proud of. You father wanted a blowjob that night. How’s that feel? You’re just a blowjob that got out of hand.
I can make things, but I don't cook them, exactly. Like salmon, I can stick that in a pan. Or the other day I made noodles, but they were hard. It never occurred to me to check them; I just stopped cooking them when I felt they were ready. Really, I'm too absentminded.
I love to talk about people I've met being an entertainer. All my encounters in life - I roll it all into an hour and 30 minutes.
The best comedy, I feel, comes in a drama because it balances each other out.
If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.
One of the great mistakes that can be made by a man of my age is to get involved in athletic competition with children - unless, of course, they are under six. And even then, stay away from hide-and-seek.
Because when you say "shit", it makes them cry. "Why didn't he say 'poopie'? Why didn't he say 'poopie'?"
The Democratic Convention is $27 million in debt. They had to cancel the kick-off event at the Charlotte Motor Speedway. A speedway is the perfect place for the Democratic Convention. You go around in circles, turn left every few seconds, and you end up right where you started.
Right now we're teaching them that the game is fun. If they learn it's fun, they always go back to it again in clinics and in schools.