Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 858

True beauty is not related to what color your hair is or what color your eyes are. True beauty is about who you are as a human being, your principles, your moral compass.

And the last place you wanna be, In a motherfuckin' foot race, is behind the mothafucka with no goddamn foots.

Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped."

If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.

I believe that every paper in the country should have one headline that when you read it, you laugh so hard you can't stand it. It has to be that way. What about a headline like this: 'Hippo Eats Dwarf'? How good is that? You read that headline, and you immediately close the paper and say, 'Wow, it's gonna be a great day.'

I feel like I'm a big human snot.

I don't feel I'm even worthy of a normal amount of value.

I'm covered in bees!

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

I would imagine that Bret would taste like a warm goat cheese, and Jemaine would taste like harvati with dill. Hmm...I'm hungry actually....[walks off camera]

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time... It's free!

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.

Oh, yeah, I've seen 'Seinfeld' 1,000 times.

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.