Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 862

I'm a little bit too obsessed with the news. I find the news easier to follow than narrative entertainment programs.

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

It seemed like a funny thing to do! I thought we could maybe get on the ticket of the Libertarian Party. But people were either amused or horrified at the idea of me representing their party.

There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.

Ginger did everything Fred did, only backwards and in High Heels!

It's like the lotto. "You can't get saved if you don't play."

Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.

Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.

There is no way any rational, reasonable person can say that the Bush Administration has been good for America.

I would still have old ladies come up to me after the show and pat me on the cheek after I had said all this vulgar stuff. They would be like, 'Oh you're a silly boy - we know you're just playing.'

I rant, therefore I am.

It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it: The Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.

You can lead a fanatic to water but you can't make him think.

Lower your expectations and live your life like it isn't yours.

When anybody pays you to be creative, you're very lucky.