Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 862
In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I'm sorry, did I say "scientists"? I meant "Irish people."
Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn't enough. You also have to move the chair.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
I actually wrote a speech. Normally I do bullet points and run-on sentences.
French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly.
I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all.
Recently, there's been a trend in America that I find very disturbing... rewarding immoral and illegal behavior...For example, we now give free needles to junkies, which seems to me to be only a step away from giving condoms to rapists.
For thirty years my act consisted of one joke... and then she died.
Lady’s like, “Sorry sir, we don’t have Internet service in all our hotel rooms. But don’t worry, we have free wireless in the lobby.”
He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.
Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?
1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move.