Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 862

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

Fang said if they had used my figure for the hourglass, the day would be very short.

You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.

Girls who used to tell me I ain't cool enough now text me pics saying you can tear this up!

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

The eleventh commandment... Uh let me see, you fuck the kid, get the fuck out. And you can put the "thou shalt..." wherever you think it goes.

When a bird gets sucked into an engine they call it "bird strike". It's not bird strike, it's "engine suck"!

A junkie will steal your purse, and then help you look for it.

Life's temporary for a reason; it gets boring after a while.

The hardest diet I was ever on was the one when I was fat. You can only wear fat clothes, you dont feel good, your sex life gets damaged, you dont have energy for anything. Its horrible.

I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd.

My movies are okay, but they're not my specials.

The entire spring and summer line from Marc Jacobs was stolen on the way to the fashion show in Paris. The thief is considered armed and fabulous.

Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.

Lance Bass has a new autobiography titled Out of Sync. We don’t need to read it, we already know how it ends - Justin is really successful, and Lance is gay.