Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 863

When we played the back end of a horse we always knew that if we worked hard and did a good job we could become the front end.

Trends don't mean anything to me. If I like something, I'll do it. If I don't, I won't do it, and I wouldn't care if everybody in the country mocked me.

I guess I don't have to point this out, that it's the second time I've hosted the Emmys after a national tragedy. And I just want to say that I'm honored because it's times like this that we really need laughter.

Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I joined an astrology club and every week we meet and discuss the stars. This week we're discussing Paul Newman.

That is not a Bob Hope joke! That is a no hope joke.

You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.

By the numbers, this was the worst way to have done it. He couldn't think straight. It was fight or flight - and he chose flight.

A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!

I'm a wiseass and a smartass, and I always have been.

Girls who used to tell me I ain't cool enough now text me pics saying you can tear this up!

One of the beauties of watching our show is that, really and truly, it remains fresh because you're dealing with human beings and their behavior.

I believe that if you want to wear a thong, you should have to go through an application process.

The greatness of a man is only measured by his urologist.