Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 863

If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.

Being on the road is kind of lonely.

If you're a man and you have big tits, don't wear a tight T-shirt, okay? It confuses the children!

Because when you say "shit", it makes them cry. "Why didn't he say 'poopie'? Why didn't he say 'poopie'?"

It's hard to have a career.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

Well this is just a fist. But when I start throwing it around I can leave one hell of a mess.

If Arnold is elected, you know who I'd feel sorry for? The people on death row. Imagine, you're about to be executed, the governor calls, you think it's your reprieve, and you hear 'Hasta la vista, baby.'

The earliest stand-up comedy I was aware of was Bill Cosby. I watched Saturday Night Live as soon as I was aware of it, and Monty Python used to be on PBS at weird hours, so I used to try to watch that. And I loved George Carlin on SNL, that was the first stand-up I ever really remember seeing on TV. And then Steve Martin. I guess I was in fifth or sixth grade when Steve Martin showed up, and he was instantly my idol. And Richard Pryor around the same time too, I sort of became aware of him, though I don’t remember the first time I saw him.

I would like to say, for the record, that I am in favor of using more American Indians and other minorities in motion pictures, I am against polluting the oceans of the world, I am for every nationality having its own homeland, I am against whacking baby seals on the head, and I am for saving the whales.

I used to make love to Green Day's music. But 9 minutes? I'm not Superman.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion.

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

Two wrongs do not make a right; but three rights make a left.