Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 863

I would still have old ladies come up to me after the show and pat me on the cheek after I had said all this vulgar stuff. They would be like, 'Oh you're a silly boy - we know you're just playing.'

I rant, therefore I am.

You can lead a fanatic to water but you can't make him think.

Lower your expectations and live your life like it isn't yours.

President Bush's approval ratings have taken somewhat of a dive. A senior slump, if you will. Leading President Bush to one conclusion: He is the only one who realizes what a great job he's being doing.

You don’t gossip while your man is driving. You sit there quietly until you’re about 5 minutes from your destination then you say, "would you like some road head?"

I don't have to worry about writing jokes. I just tell stories about things that have happened to me. As long as I'm alive and I'm living and I'm experiencing different things every day, the show will always change.

That's right. It turns out we've all been taking relationship advice from the fat middle-aged, bald guy who drives a Ferrari!

In Australia you can buy a cheese called ‘coon cheese’, did you hear what I said, ‘coon cheese’!!

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

I do get the comics online I guess but it's such a pain. I'd rather just get them in the paper and read them.

She tried to get even with him through psychological warfare but couldn't, because he didn't care.

Where did you go to finishing school? On a pirate ship?

Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.