Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 868

The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.

My shrink gives me 75 per cent off if I make believe I'm someone else.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

You can't be happy that fire cooks your food and be mad it burns your fingertips.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

I don't ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it's in the news. That's the guy that comes off like you have to be angry every week about new topics and snotty about something. That's what I'm trying to avoid.

Someone told me that carrots are good for your eyes. What they failed to tell me is that you have to take them orally.

If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.

I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

Tommy has quit drinking and she shows up and all hell breaks loose.

We didn't have rehab back in the Seventies. Back in the Seventies, rehab meant you stopped doing coke, but you kept smoking pot and drinking for a couple more weeks.

I don’t drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy.

Bragging that you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got Doritos out of a vending machine.