Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 868

I went to a bunch of marches in New York and Washington, and you know I believe in the cause, but to march with those people takes a lot of compromise on my end.

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it...

I wouldn't do this if I didn't like it.

I'm close to my audience. I think I have more tools in my box than other guys who might try it. Also, I know how to do this stuff. I know how to write and shoot and edit. I'm technically adept and that helped with the website. You need a big skill set.

You can't be happy that fire cooks your food and be mad it burns your fingertips.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Tommy has quit drinking and she shows up and all hell breaks loose.

There are so many beautiful parts of the world... Thailand, Italy, the south of France. There are places in Spain that are astonishing. But here... 25 miles and you go up on Mount Tam to see the fog come in; 25 miles the other direction and you're somewhere else that takes your breath away. There's no question this is where I want to live. Never has been.

Dating is great unless you don't like horrible awkwardness, lying, and a deep foreboding sense of disappointment that never goes away.

And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.

If it bends, it's funny; if it breaks, it's not funny.

My grandfather likes to give me advise, but he's a little forgetful. One day, he took me aside and left me there.

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

You get somebody to explain the Trinity to you, they'll say "Well God, he's God, and Jesus is God as well, and the Holy Spirit is...[mumbles indistinctly]". "What?" "He's the fecund spirit of the Lord who impregnates Mary, then gets a bit up himself and is reduced to light clerical duties?" Let's examine that in joke form: three male divine natures go into a cosmic essence, giving and receiving love, but not in a gay bishop way, to which the whole of Islam goes "Wha?"; Hinduism: "Nah!"; or Buddhism: "Ssh!".

I never throw parties. Ya know why? Because afterward you always walk around going "What the fuck did they take? Where’s my mom?"