Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 868

Met a girl the other nite and told her- Before you can be with someone you have to know the value of yourself. So does $200 seem reasonable?

My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter.

Heroin’s like having oral sex and, at the same time, a puppy’s licking your face. You don’t want that.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for a doughnut. I’ll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this.

Life is like a concentration camp... you can't leave without dying.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.

It's hard to have a career.

I like to go see a ball game. I'll have seven, eight, nine - 10 beers, and the second inning will roll around, and I gotta go.

Hi, ladies. My name is Charlie Baileygates. Would you like to see my weasel?

I've been with a beautiful girl from time to time.

Everything we do we should look at in terms of millions of people who can't afford it.

You might be a redneck if you go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.