Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 868

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

I'm working on a screenplay about a guy who teaches a retarded kid to read. It's good. But it is so fucking long.

I don't ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it's in the news. That's the guy that comes off like you have to be angry every week about new topics and snotty about something. That's what I'm trying to avoid.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

Today is both the most romantic day of the year and the busiest day of the year for the suicide hotline.

This is a ridiculous heat wave we're in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air.

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

I will tell you that the last five shows are going to really blow people out of the water. There's gonna be a lot of head-spinning going on.

Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped."

Wait till these Enron guys find out that in prison, the term "Insider trading" has a whole new meaning.

It's like the lotto. "You can't get saved if you don't play."

I hope I make people feel better. I hope I take people out of their situations a little bit and make them happier. That's really why I do what I do.

You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I’ve never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.

[After having made an abortion joke] I know that can hit close to home for some people....was anyone here aborted?... (mimicking child's voice:) 'I was found in a trash can!' Okay, well, that sorta counts...

Why are a "wise man" and a "wiseguy" opposites?