Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 869
People talk to old people like they're children. 'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah, I'm old. I'm not stupid.
I guess I don't have to point this out, that it's the second time I've hosted the Emmys after a national tragedy. And I just want to say that I'm honored because it's times like this that we really need laughter.
I masturbate ‘cause I’m the only one whose standards are low enough to FUCK ME.
President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
It's a new day: Full of promise and love. The only thing that can take away that great feeling is - reading the news or speaking to people.
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
Now if I walk past a group of youths I find myself holding my keys in my pocket, then I find myself putting each key in between my clenched fist, so if I have to hit him I'll fucking kill him.
Just when I think the human race has been lost to the "what about me" people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
I only watch the Oscars to make fun of what they wear in the Memoriam.
And the French! The French have a bomb too! Maybe they have the Michelin Bomb- ah! Only destroys restaurants under four stars! They are the one of the only people that still test their bombs! Where do they do it? In the Sahara, in the total wasteland? No, fuck off! In Tahiti! In paradise. Why? Because we're French. Oh, look, a Greenpeace boat coming to protest- fuck off, I sink you.