Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 869

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.

If I waited for you to teach Lee (Mack) to speak properly we’d be here all night.

I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time... It's free!

I don't know why people think that somehow the First Amendment applies to network television. It doesn't. It's like the way free speech doesn't apply at work. You can't just walk into your boss' office and say 'you're a fuckface and I'm gonna go back to work now.' No, you're not.

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.

I feel like the gods have certainly patted me on the head.

Welcome to my garage! This is where I go to get away from the honey-do list.

I ain't afraid to die fat -- that's my pallbearers' worry.

Writing is a very strenuous thing - it's like banging your head against a wall. At the end of the day, acting is better, just because nobody ever asked me if I wanted a Pellegrino in the writer's room.

We want the same effect as if someone's house burned here. We want to give them a normal life as soon as possible.

Marriage is just an elaborate game that allows two selfish people to periodically feel that they're not.

I was 15 years old when I was in this band; we were called Stag. We used to wear spandex pants and no underwear - we looked like marbles smugglers.

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

Okra is the closest thing to nylon I`ve ever eaten. It`s like they bred cotton with a green bean. Okra, tastes like snot. The more you cook it, the more it turns into string.

This city has so many beautiful women. I fall in love like every ten minutes, I'm sitting on the subway, I'm like, "There's my wife...there she is - oh, she's getting off. All right, there's the woman - all right, that's a man."