Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 869

It never fails - you get in the bath and there's a rub at the lamp.

Oh, yeah, I've seen 'Seinfeld' 1,000 times.

Lee Iacocca, who said to Dolly Parton, "Why do you need an airbag?" Never got a dinner!

Welcome to my garage! This is where I go to get away from the honey-do list.

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.

When anybody pays you to be creative, you're very lucky.

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

I've become this sort of icon for the gay community. I don't like the position.

And now, I'm pleased to introduce the star of the film Gladiator, and a man I like to call a close, personal friend, but he told me not to...

I thought about going to NYU film school - that was this ideal to me. But I didn't make any kind of grades in high school.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

What do you call a blonde with brains. A labrador.

No one grows up saying 'I hope I work in an office one day?' And that fascinated me. People from 16 to 65 are just thrown together and that is a tantalizing mix,