Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 869

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

An Israeli man's life was saved when he was given a Palestinian man's heart in a heart transplant operation. The guy is doing fine, but the bad news is, he can't stop throwing rocks at himself.

If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.

I love whenever they downgrade a hurricane to a tropical depression, because I always think of a tropical depression as how I feel three songs into a Jimmy Buffett concert.

I will tell you that the last five shows are going to really blow people out of the water. There's gonna be a lot of head-spinning going on.

The cell phone companies make you sign up for a plan, but it’s not like if you don’t follow the plan they’re cool with it. It’s like, “You can have 600 anytime minutes for 50 dollars, but if you go over that, we shoot you in the dick!”

My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.

I don’t drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy.

French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly.

I DON'T have EX's! I have Y's. Like 'Y the hell did I date you?!'

I'm big on facial expressions, and I'm big on mannerisms, which I find to be hilarious.

I could take my time, and nobody was pressuring me to be a headliner. I could go up there, find my voice, and figure out what I wanted to do.

I ain't afraid to die fat -- that's my pallbearers' worry.