Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 867

If you ask me right now, you've seen the last of Mind of Mencia. I don't want to be a one-trick pony. I would rather walk away and do more movies, comedy and even some dramatic roles.

Lance Bass has a new autobiography titled Out of Sync. We don’t need to read it, we already know how it ends - Justin is really successful, and Lance is gay.

Just went to a lovely Catholic wedding. I need a drink. They didn't even offer us water. Well they did, but it was Holy water.

An intruder broke into Mike Tyson's hotel room in Las Vegas while he was sleeping but got out before Tyson could get to him. I don't know what's scarier. Having someone breaking into your room while you're sleeping or breaking into someone else's room and finding out the guy is Mike Tyson.

Being on the road is kind of lonely.

No one wants to drown. Drowning would be the worst. Cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling, oh it's the worst... when you think you're drowning.

I am like Hugh Hefner minus anything good about his life.

Congratulations to whoever is finally booking music we love. It's going to get us out of the house after dark!

I was wondering if Circuit City could possibly make their receipts just a little bit longer.

I saw a poster for Mission Impossible III the other day. I thought: It’s not impossible if he’s already done it twice.

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.

“It must be cool having a dad who’s a comedian,” I overheard a friend say. “No,” came my son’s reply. “He’s a knob.”

Hi, ladies. My name is Charlie Baileygates. Would you like to see my weasel?

Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.