Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 867

We have a Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.

Now, I think the people who are still doing stand-up are doing it because they love stand-up.

Each day it's like: 'How many more days am I going to feel young and vibrant? I feel young and vibrant now, but I also feel the aches and pains a little bit.'

A comedy agent asked, “What did you do before comedy?” I was a drug counselor. He said, “How about before that?” I was a drug addict. He said, “And before that?” I was twelve.

They found a massive stash of porn in Osama bin Laden's compound. Right now CIA agents are screening the pornography carefully, frame by frame, looking for clues.

This happened to the people. The Constitution says "of the people, by the people, for the people"... but the people who got the office, got into office and forgot about the people.

Droughts are because God didn’t pay his water bill.

I'm just like yeast - I eat sugar and I shit alcohol. And there's a huge culture that goes with that. Alcohol creates massive shifts in world history, and it changes people's lives. People get pregnant because of alcohol. But the yeast doesn't give a fuck. The yeast isn't going, "I really want to help people loosen up and bring passion into Irish people's lives."

There are no "I's" in "we" but there are two "i's" in "Wii."

If you ask me right now, you've seen the last of Mind of Mencia. I don't want to be a one-trick pony. I would rather walk away and do more movies, comedy and even some dramatic roles.

You might be a redneck if your dogs name is Miller Light.

No one wants to drown. Drowning would be the worst. Cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling, oh it's the worst... when you think you're drowning.

I don't watch reality TV. I'm cool.

If you're a man and you have big tits, don't wear a tight T-shirt, okay? It confuses the children!

Because when you say "shit", it makes them cry. "Why didn't he say 'poopie'? Why didn't he say 'poopie'?"