Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 874

I was raped by a doctor. Which is so bittersweet for a Jewish girl…

I will outlaw bullshit. After the passage of this law the patriarchy will inevitably start to crumble as will the concept of war itself which is largely a large load of bullshit.

Everybody I hire is more fucked up than I am.

When a girl’s a screamer during sex, she’s either positive or negative. “Yes! Yes! Yes!” or the complete opposite, “No! No! No!” Just once, I want to hear a girl right in the middle. “Maybe! Maybe! Maybe!”

My wife’s an earth sign. I’m a water sign. Together we make mud.

I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral. Which I thought was cocky.

And the last place you wanna be, In a motherfuckin' foot race, is behind the mothafucka with no goddamn foots.

I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?

I don`t know what to do about Max, Angie! Last yeah he was up waiting for Santa, and this year him and his little friends on the roof jacking his sleigh! God knows what Carmen will do with the elfs...

The brightest light has gone out.

The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.

Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.

I suppose doing things you hate is just the price you pay to avoid loneliness.

Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, "Hey, you hungry?"

You might be a redneck if you wear someone else's work shirt.