Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 874

We're not allowed to do anything to nature anymore, except look at it. It's like porn with leaves.

I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day.

Now, I think the people who are still doing stand-up are doing it because they love stand-up.

Weeks after those tragic fires in Arizona, a fallen firefighter's bracelet that said "Be Good" was found in the ashes. Some see it as a sign from God, while others see it as what fire suits should be made out of.

I do what I do because I love it.

We created god in our own image and likeness!

The hardest diet I was ever on was the one when I was fat. You can only wear fat clothes, you dont feel good, your sex life gets damaged, you dont have energy for anything. Its horrible.

Cut me off, I’ll curtsy on your ass.

Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It's amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Term-inator.

Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case.... coincidence?

You might be a redneck if you prefer car keys to Q-tips.

You know, before I would think, my cab driver hates me. Now I think my limo driver hates me.

I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those.