Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 874
You know, before I would think, my cab driver hates me. Now I think my limo driver hates me.
Congratulations to whoever is finally booking music we love. It's going to get us out of the house after dark!
If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
Hecklers need to be dealt with. Then walk away and do your shit.
I would like to say, for the record, that I am in favor of using more American Indians and other minorities in motion pictures, I am against polluting the oceans of the world, I am for every nationality having its own homeland, I am against whacking baby seals on the head, and I am for saving the whales.
I grew up in Scotland in the 1970s. There was not much money. The most popular Christmas toy was probably a potato.
I remember being a kid and the Vietnam War was huge and looking at Watergate.
You might be a redneck if you go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
I didn't come from a background where I saw a lot of loving couples. All my aunts and uncles were either split up or fighting all the time. The only healthy relationships I saw were on TV.
This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are... and when I find you I am going to kill you.
Thirty-six percent of Americans say that they've heard the voice of God. It's not clear of that 36% how many people are mistaking the voice of God for the voice of Morgan Freeman. That's an easy mistake to make.
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
You're with someone for like 2 weeks in and you're like, "Fuck, no way. I can't stand this person. I'll stay around for 5-6 years and we can end this thing violently, I got time.