Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 874
If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the fuck is the ceiling.
I collect old portraits. They're all just interesting pictures of people, and you just kind of wonder who they were and what they were. There's a guy - I don't know who he is, but he's wearing a suit. He's got his arms folded, and he looks like he sold insurance or something. I'm just wondering why someone painted him.
Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.
It was like falling in love with a girl who was just throwing up all over herself -- softly holding her hair back and whispering to her that everything was going to be alright. To me, that's what the last eight years were like, here in America: projectile vomiting all over yourself as the rest of the world rubbed your back, saying, 'Sssshhh, that's it. Let it all out.'
I remember being a kid and the Vietnam War was huge and looking at Watergate.
I'm much bigger in Britain than I am there. I'm well-known, but my name's That Guy in America... People shout: "Hey I know you! You're That Guy."
The last girl I went out with blew me off. Now I call her with lame excuses to see her, “Hey, did I leave a penny over there?”
I had a very difficult childhood. I was surrounded by people who had both parents, which made me feel different. Having a bit of a rougher existence early on, it made me appreciate the work ethic that my grandparents instilled in me.
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. It is the universe's way of saying stop, slow down, you move too fast. Listen to the music. Whoa whoa, listen to the music. Because music makes the people come together, it makes the bourgeois and the rebel. So come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody try to love one another. Because what the world needs now is love, sweet love. And I know that love is a battlefield, but boogie on reggae woman because you're gonna make it after all. So celebrate good times, come on. I've gotta stop I've gotta come to my senses, I've been out riding fences for so long... oops I did it again... um... What I'm trying to say is, if you leave tonight and you don't remember anything else that I've said, leave here and remember this: Procrastinate now, don't put it off.
Can I talk to you guys now about some of the differences between men and women? Great. Chicks cry when you punch ‘em.
You like my shirt? Isn't that nice? $8.50 in a thrift shop. At that price, I can afford not to like it.