Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 873

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

We're told that they were zealots fueled by religious fervour ... religious fervour and if you live to be a thousand years old will that make any sense to you? Will that make any goddamn sense?

I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

An intruder broke into Mike Tyson's hotel room in Las Vegas while he was sleeping but got out before Tyson could get to him. I don't know what's scarier. Having someone breaking into your room while you're sleeping or breaking into someone else's room and finding out the guy is Mike Tyson.

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.

If you're a man and you have big tits, don't wear a tight T-shirt, okay? It confuses the children!

An amateur ventriloquist, my dad could throw his chest pains.

“Because he wrote it in Sarcastica! If he had enjoyed himself, he would have used Good Times Roman.”

I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.

I can turn a towel into a beach towel just by bringing it to the beach. I can also do a similar thing with a bum.

I used to make love to Green Day's music. But 9 minutes? I'm not Superman.

As boys get older, they can't let on that it's cool to meet me.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

I was raped by a doctor. Which is so bittersweet for a Jewish girl…

I will outlaw bullshit. After the passage of this law the patriarchy will inevitably start to crumble as will the concept of war itself which is largely a large load of bullshit.