Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 873

I feel like the gods have certainly patted me on the head.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

In fact, I had the idea because of Peter Falk. I saw my dad watching a Peter Falk movie and something clicked in my head. I gotta go make a movie for Peter Falk and me.

Amazon has included me in an opportunity to provide top-shelf television-style programming live on the world's computer screens. To hold forth with the industry's very best actors, directors, musicians, authors - I'm thrilled to be on the cutting edge of this.

And now, I'm pleased to introduce the star of the film Gladiator, and a man I like to call a close, personal friend, but he told me not to...

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

When you’re reaching for a star, there’s a long way to fall.

Sometimes I feel like I’m being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.

Mel Gibson is losing it. I don't know how people still supporting this dude's movies like it's all good. That dude is nuts. All you gotta do is shut him down and don't support any of his movies.

When we played the back end of a horse we always knew that if we worked hard and did a good job we could become the front end.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

In every circle of friends there's always that one person everyone secretly hates. Don't have one? Then it's probably you.

My daughter and I are very close. We speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "Pick up, I know you're there." And she says the same thing back, "How'd you get this new number?"

Technically, I've learned that having good legs and wind is good for being on stage. You have to be in shape and have endurance.

Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade.