Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 873
What do you think you should do if you’re attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that’s a lie promoted by the bears.
People talk to old people like they're children. 'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah, I'm old. I'm not stupid.
Remember that night you did that oriental cooch-cooch; the cops came and threw you in the can-can.
I masturbate ‘cause I’m the only one whose standards are low enough to FUCK ME.
We're not allowed to do anything to nature anymore, except look at it. It's like porn with leaves.
Nevada's one of the most conservative states in the Union, but you can do what you want in Vegas and nobody judges you.
I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day.
I wanted to be an arch-criminal as a child, before I discovered I was too short.
Bill Cosby was the first comedian I was exposed to, because he doesn't curse.
The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question: "Is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we kill those people.
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
I'm not on a diet. And it’s funny cause people go ‘Well, then why do you drink diet soda?’ So I can eat regular cake.