Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 880

I know that every time I list something that I am, I am potentially alienating a whole group of people. Publicists and managers will encourage you not to say what political party you belong to, what you eat, what you don't eat, who you sleep with and all that stuff.

I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.

Being white is a job in America. You take that away, you better get the soldiers out.

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

I didn’t worry if a bit got no response, as long as I believed it had enough response to linger.

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

Sitting around with funny people, banging out jokes and creating a television show. I have no hobbies, no outside interests. I'm fine with spending 14 hours a day putting a show together with tape and string.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

I don’t care if you think I’m racist as long as you think I’m a thin racist.

I don't know if you know about pilots. The way in which our country generates television, they take one episode, one, and then they take that episode, produce it, and show it to a room filled with monkeys. And if the monkeys don't shit themselves, you might have a hit!

I love whenever they downgrade a hurricane to a tropical depression, because I always think of a tropical depression as how I feel three songs into a Jimmy Buffett concert.

2+2=4. Damn straight. All the time, nigga all the time. Then one day this bitch just flipped the script. 3x+y=what? This bitch is still teaching. Did you know that some of them was letters?!!?

You know, I live a monastic lifestyle. No, I do. I do live in extremes, basically. I go back and forth. Once every six months, I'll have a day where I eat more chocolate than has ever been consumed by a human being.

Don't you think that being a person of faith has become a third rail in American politics? If you want to run for president nowadays, you'd better get out there and say you're a very faith-based person.