Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 880

Recently, there's been a trend in America that I find very disturbing... rewarding immoral and illegal behavior...For example, we now give free needles to junkies, which seems to me to be only a step away from giving condoms to rapists.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

One good thing about being locked in a cage: No responsibility!

Whitney Houston rear-ended a city bus with her sports car, but no one was hurt. She said she didn't know what happened. One minute she was concentrating on the big white line, and the next, boom!

1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.

The Universe is very, very big. It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules. Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever. Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the sun. It is an absolute rule. Therefore when someone says that their love will never die, it means that their love is not real, for everything that is real dies. Rule number two: Everything lasts forever.

I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.

Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.

T-bone you can't talk to Ced like that, just cause your life is messed up. It ain't his fault your third wife left you for your second wife.

James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was.

We came here to pick up chicks, not talk about dicks.

You picked a lemon, throw it away lemonade is overrated. Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment. You already have one asshole. You don’t need another. Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve. Have faith.