Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 880
An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.
It’s so stupid the shit we’re proud of. You know how you got to be who you are? Your parents fucked. There’s nothing to be proud of. You father wanted a blowjob that night. How’s that feel? You’re just a blowjob that got out of hand.
Hell, the vows are scary enough. I mean, "We are gathered here to witness the joining of two people..." Joining. Could we come up with a slightly more industrial term, huh? How about "soldering"? Yeah, have a couple of guys from the machinists' union swing by, drop the welder's masks, and handle this part of the ceremony? You know, it seems like the only two times they pronounce you anything in life is when they pronounce you "man and wife" or "dead on arrival."
War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
I love devastating movies, documentaries and hummingbirds (yes, in that order).
Life's too short to be an asshole, as an employer or as an employee.
I like Dali and Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.
Because sometimes ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX NEWS, MSNBC, CNN, HEADLINE NEWS, CSPAN, and CSPAN 2 just aren't enough.
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
Hecklers need to be dealt with. Then walk away and do your shit.
I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.