Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 879

Our record doesn't show it, but we are getting better.

I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.

Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again.

I hate all sidekicks.

Charelton Heston and a monkey with a gun... Film at 11.

Steven Spielberg’s mother, who said to E.T., "I don't care where you're from, you're here and you're gonna get bar mitzvahed!" Never got a dinner!

I do get the comics online I guess but it's such a pain. I'd rather just get them in the paper and read them.

What do you call a blonde with brains. A labrador.

I was told by the doctor that I was infertile and I couldn't have children, 3 weeks after that he told me that my girlfriend was pregnant....who's the daddy?

And by the way, the fact that she's not speaking to anyone in her family is a pretty good indicator that she is the problem.

Met a girl the other nite and told her- Before you can be with someone you have to know the value of yourself. So does $200 seem reasonable?

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

Nevada's one of the most conservative states in the Union, but you can do what you want in Vegas and nobody judges you.

I'm a selfish, little pig of a man.

There's a game called Checkout where there's grocery items and it's how much you think the manufacturer's suggested retail price is and we add up your total, then your total has to be within $2 of the regular total. I don't think I could ever win that game.