Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 879
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
People talk to old people like they're children. 'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah, I'm old. I'm not stupid.
I listened to Jack Benny on the radio last night, he was so funny I dropped my pad and pencil.
I don't miss the economic insecurity, the living paycheck to paycheck.
Radio... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people... who fortunately can't reach me.
Fang said if they had used my figure for the hourglass, the day would be very short.
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
It's a new day: Full of promise and love. The only thing that can take away that great feeling is - reading the news or speaking to people.
I talked about everything, man. I’ve always written material that everyone can laugh at. I talked about growing up. I did a lot of physical comedy. That was my thing. I was a physical comedian. I did anything and everything from running on a treadmill, I can paint a picture on stage of anything.
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
I'm not on a diet. And it’s funny cause people go ‘Well, then why do you drink diet soda?’ So I can eat regular cake.
You have to take the basics of feminism and the kind of outline of it and do what you do with it. You have to make things work for your own life.
What's happened is somewhere, along the line, as a society, we confused the notion of 'home' with the possibility of 'an investment opportunity'. What kind of creature wants to live in an 'investment opportunity'? Only man. The fox has his den. The bee has his hive. The stoat, has, uh... his stoat-hole... but only man chooses to make his nest in an investment opportunity. Mmm, snuggled down in the lovely credit! All warm, in the mortgage payment, mmmmm...