Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 879

It's so nice to share a day as beautiful as this one with hundreds of thousands of reckless drivers.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

When in doubt you might be right.

I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie.

Sometimes people offer you plays, they offer you parts, but they only offer it because I'm famous.

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.

A free book that comes to my house full of nothing but women in their underwear? God Bless America!

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.

If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.

Ladies, you can do porn, or you can be someone who isn't summarily dismissed as a psychopath, but you can't do both.

I went through every phone book in Africa, and I didn't find one goddamned Pryor!

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

Good enough to tweet, not to say.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was shout for help.

You might be a redneck if every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.