Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 881
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
I will tell you that the last five shows are going to really blow people out of the water. There's gonna be a lot of head-spinning going on.
Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car.
I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral. Which I thought was cocky.
I'm an amateur photographer. Never taken anything I'm proud of. Just children having sex.
Dad finally had a defribillator implanted in his body. You know, "Clear!" He had a little one right here. Ironically, the size and shape of a cigarette pack, which used to crack me the fuck up, man. 'Cause he smoked for forty years, and now he's got a permanent little square right here. "Hey dad, you got a cigarette?" "Yeah, hold up."
When I did the sitcom I was too naive. I thought, Well, they know what they're talking about, let's do that.
There are so many beautiful parts of the world... Thailand, Italy, the south of France. There are places in Spain that are astonishing. But here... 25 miles and you go up on Mount Tam to see the fog come in; 25 miles the other direction and you're somewhere else that takes your breath away. There's no question this is where I want to live. Never has been.
The other day I was sitting on the stoop. That’s a stupid nick-name. I’m mean my Aunt Bessie.
I don't mean this to sound hyperbolic but there are increasingly, albeit really minor, similarities between now and how Germany was lulled into what happened pre-WW2.
Dating is great unless you don't like horrible awkwardness, lying, and a deep foreboding sense of disappointment that never goes away.
Iraq is a manufactured conflict for the sake of geopolitical dominance in the area.