Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 881

James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was.

You picked a lemon, throw it away lemonade is overrated. Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment. You already have one asshole. You don’t need another. Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve. Have faith.

I masturbate ‘cause I’m the only one whose standards are low enough to FUCK ME.

You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.

History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power.

We have a Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.

You have to take the basics of feminism and the kind of outline of it and do what you do with it. You have to make things work for your own life.

That's insanity. We must be good all the time.

When I play poker, I don't like losing the pot.

Isn't it fun to go out on the course and lie in the sun?

They found a massive stash of porn in Osama bin Laden's compound. Right now CIA agents are screening the pornography carefully, frame by frame, looking for clues.

There are now more obese people in the United States than there are overweight people. I think it's safe to say that after all these years, Diet Coke is a complete failure.

An intruder broke into Mike Tyson's hotel room in Las Vegas while he was sleeping but got out before Tyson could get to him. I don't know what's scarier. Having someone breaking into your room while you're sleeping or breaking into someone else's room and finding out the guy is Mike Tyson.

We need porno for guys like me. $2.99, I don’t need the whole $12.99. Hell, I never get to the second scene. It’s always better. “Oh shit! I should of waited. She’s got bigger titties. Shit! There’s twins!”

If the minimum wasn't acceptable it wouldn't be called the minimum.