Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 881

Kids: If a bear is wearing a ranger hat, it's because he ate the ranger!

I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you.

I'm TV's Craig Ferguson, please sit down relax and: "take off your pants"; "dip your hand into a bowl of warm water and fall fast asleep"; etc.

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her, she says "Tut, Tut!"

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

If you wait too long in Vegas, you end up with a chicken finger in your underwear.

The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.

FEMA I always thought was a bone here in your ass.

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast

I don't mean this to sound hyperbolic but there are increasingly, albeit really minor, similarities between now and how Germany was lulled into what happened pre-WW2.

The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.

The worst thing to call somebody is "crazy". It's dismissive. I don't understand this person, so they're crazy. That's bullshit! People are not crazy. They are strong people...Maybe the environment is a little sick.

We will now sing forth, hymn 405, 'Oh God, what on earth is my hairdo all about?'

I had temping jobs also. I liked the flexibility. There was no asking for time off; you just didn't work.