Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 881

What wine goes with Captain Crunch?

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.

I have big hands. I can't do the touch-screen thing. I'm a button guy. I want to press buttons.

Try to live in a place you like.

If you write a book, be sure it has exactly seventy-six "fucks" in it.

I could take my time, and nobody was pressuring me to be a headliner. I could go up there, find my voice, and figure out what I wanted to do.

I never have free time, I don't know about you. You ever go to the cash machine, there's two people in line in front of you and you get kinda flustered, you're like "Forget it! I'm not standing here for 40 seconds. I got things to do, okay?"

I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!

The competitions are as much a part of the tradition as the actual dances.

I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day...Chlamydia.

When you’re reaching for a star, there’s a long way to fall.

Sometimes I feel like I’m being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.

You might be a redneck if your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

That's the great thing about having your friends around you. I've known these guys forever. I really enjoy their company just as people. You couldn't ask for a better work environment.

One of the beauties of watching our show is that, really and truly, it remains fresh because you're dealing with human beings and their behavior.