Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 897
There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin.
It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.
It's your living room, it's your life, go nuts. You like Home Improvement? Tape it and go over it like it's the Zapruder film.
This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
Now, I think the people who are still doing stand-up are doing it because they love stand-up.
Just when I think the human race has been lost to the "what about me" people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?
Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because "They've seen me weep, they’ve seen me laugh, and they’ve seen me hug." These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo.
I honestly think that it automatically hurts me if I said that I supported the war in Iraq and I support the troops. That automatically kills me for getting a bunch of movies, a bunch of TV shows. People don't want to hear from me.
I feel like I've got this anti-marriage thing, but it's less that and more I'm overthinking it to get it right.
Everybody thinks Italian guys are dumb. Cause we sound like Rocky when we talk. But we’re not dumb, we’re just a little slower. That’s why we always repeat the question. We’re just buying time. Like, “Correale, what did you do today?” “What did I do today?”