Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 897

How is it that this debate has been twisted on its head, that somehow those that advocate peace and diplomacy are anti-American? Or those that advocate peace are anti-troops or pro-Saddam?

This dude walks up to me wearing a cape - he was wearing a cape - and he just said, 'Dude, do you know what time it is?' I was like, 'You're just gonna ask me that like you're not wearing a cape? It's time to take off that dumbass cape.'

It was peace. Peace is when you would shake the hands of the people around you. And you knew peace was coming because the priest would say it five times rapid fire. He'd go, "My peace I leave, my peace I give to you. While we ate Reese's Pieces with the Lord. And I have a piece of lint in my peaceful eye!"

When I was a little kid I always wanted to be ginger. My best friend was ginger and he was pretty cool.

If you support the second amendment, then let me exercise my support of our first amendment: you’re a fucking idiot. Do you even know what the third amendment is? The right to kick soldiers out of your house when the Revolutionary War is over.

Yeah? Rock 'n' Roll is fast, you know. If all goes according to plan I could be in rehab next thursday. Tuesday week I'll be living on an island with a small Indian boy.

There's something that happens in that delivery room, when a woman becomes ten times more a woman, and a guy becomes six times less a man. You feel really dopey and useless and like a spectator. I did, anyway.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.

I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?

When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial.