Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 897
I honestly think that it automatically hurts me if I said that I supported the war in Iraq and I support the troops. That automatically kills me for getting a bunch of movies, a bunch of TV shows. People don't want to hear from me.
How dare anyone in the UK make fun of a democratically-elected leader when you have a fucking Queen?
Ocean's 13 is all about cool people having a good time, and who doesn't want to see that? Well you, apparantly, 'cause you're watching me.
World AIDS Day is the one day of the year that it's okay to totally ignore lesbians.
I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.
Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
The Jackass movies are honestly some of the best movies I've ever seen. I laugh so hard at them. Those guys are geniuses. If they had grown up with a different group of people, they could've been performance artists at Bard College, and people would be writing papers about them.
You don't give something away because it's fat. You take it and you look at it.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
When you go to cable, there are no stations and no affiliates and they allow you to do your show.
This is a country where tobacco kills four hundred thousand people a year, so they ban artificial sweeteners! Because a rat died! You know what I mean?