Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 897

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

I'm always fucking childish, you knew that when you met me!

I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I'm in the South. I talk fast, and they're not used to people talking that fast.

If your gonna drop out of school - tough grades are not your goal - then change your name to Candy and learn to work a pole.

There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial.

Be yourself. If something you do doesn't work, don't do it the next time. Listen to yourself - you know what appropriate behavior is.

My therapist thinks I'd be better off living in a dream-state.

You are a shit head, but I can make you feel like you’re not the only shit head.

The next actor I meet that uses the term 'courageous' to describe another actor's performance is getting punched in the face.

Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because "They've seen me weep, they’ve seen me laugh, and they’ve seen me hug." These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo.

Life is like a concentration camp... you can't leave without dying.

I honestly think that it automatically hurts me if I said that I supported the war in Iraq and I support the troops. That automatically kills me for getting a bunch of movies, a bunch of TV shows. People don't want to hear from me.

How dare anyone in the UK make fun of a democratically-elected leader when you have a fucking Queen?

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.