Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 898

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

Former president Bill Clinton was elected on this very day in 1992. Clinton went on to leave quite a mark in the oval office... You mean the one on the sofa?

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Oh, something’s *always* wrong, Balders… the fact that I’m not a millionaire aristocrat, with the sexual capacity of a rutting rhino, is a constant niggle.

Is it just me, or is he the greasiest nigga you ever seen in your life? Every time Jermaine comes on, I gotta wipe the grease off the screen! Can't see shit! Jermaine must have been on. Even the police can't catch his ass, 'cause every time they try, he just slips out! They be like, "Somebody throw some sand on that nigga! Please!"

This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are... and when I find you I am going to kill you.

You might be a redneck if you fish in your above-ground pool... and catch something.

I am constantly amazed by Tina Fey. And I am Tina Fey.

Man's inhumanity toward man is astounding, and I'm just talking about the lineup at certain comedy clubs.

I always thought that as long as man is mortal, he will never be relaxed.

"The Smurfs 2" is a great movie. The Smurfs are tiny little creatures that everybody loves. They’re like Justin Bieber - minus the part about everybody loving him.

I went on a hardcore drinking and smoking binge. It lasted right about nine months. And then as soon as I was born, I was like, “Do not go in there.”

We will now sing forth, hymn 405, 'Oh God, what on earth is my hairdo all about?'

I think everyone probably starts out sounding like someone else, but gradually you develop your own sound.

How is it that this debate has been twisted on its head, that somehow those that advocate peace and diplomacy are anti-American? Or those that advocate peace are anti-troops or pro-Saddam?