Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 898
I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?
If your gonna drop out of school - tough grades are not your goal - then change your name to Candy and learn to work a pole.
There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial.
I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.
I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.
I don’t know what’s going on with Britney. I think by now she’s her own species. We need to catch her, tag her and send her back out into her natural habitat - Starbucks - so we can observe her and learn more about her.
In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.
Life's too short to be an asshole, as an employer or as an employee.
I don’t understand the whole concept of a massage. You get a woman to rub all over every single part of your body except the one part you really want rubbed on.
Several weeks ago, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford disappeared without explanation for five days. Now of course, as it turns out, he didn't really disappear. It turns out he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Which is a trail that starts in Maine and ends in an Argentine woman's vagina.
Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.
I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hastling people with real careers.
It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.
So yeah, this song, then we'll go off, then we'll come back and do another song because going off will obviously just have been fake all along and you know that now which ruins it.