Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 898

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

We started to see less and less of each other. And that’s when I knew it was quicksand.

There's no place like home that's why I never went back.

Without the laughs, the audience wouldn’t be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.

I'm still here. I knocked off another competitor.

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he’s been pushed for money ever since.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

On performing in front of comic legend Ken Dodd: It was like trying to make love to your wife in front of a porn star – ‘I’m doing my best here! I know you can probably do it better but don’t look at me like that!’.

I never thought that intolerance would be patriotic.

The whole idea of re-releasing old movies does bother me a little bit. If they're going to re-release an old movie, I should be able to get in with my old ticket.

Hey, here's a tip for you: The next time you have the world by the balls, don't twist them.

I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.

I'm TV's Craig Ferguson, please sit down relax and: "take off your pants"; "dip your hand into a bowl of warm water and fall fast asleep"; etc.

I like not to be good at anything, so I keep hopping around.

Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.