Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 899
I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hastling people with real careers.
It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.
So yeah, this song, then we'll go off, then we'll come back and do another song because going off will obviously just have been fake all along and you know that now which ruins it.
I have these friends, and they had a daughter recently and they named her Jessica. They spelt it J-E-S-I-K-A. They’re that kind of people.
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
Don't make your kids look hot and dirty and sexy when they're 5-years old! It's really not the place or the time. You're about 11 years early.
I had a very difficult childhood. I was surrounded by people who had both parents, which made me feel different. Having a bit of a rougher existence early on, it made me appreciate the work ethic that my grandparents instilled in me.
I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.
They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. They don't mention anything about cursing a lack of candles.
Children are like poems. They're beautiful - to their creators - but to others they're just silly and fucking annoying.
I'm a nerd. I'm a little guy... the last guy you'd expect in a romantic movie.
Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.
They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad.