Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 899
Who the fuck are you? Get out of my house... and take that fucking bulldozer with you.
In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
The only reason I did "Showtime" was Robert De Niro. I definitely consider him to be in the top 5 all time actors.
I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.
Old people can't fall asleep in their chair in peace. As soon as they start to nod off you go, "Nan! Nan!" They go, "What? What?" "Oh sorry we thought you'd just di..."
I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says "You using the phone?" "Nope, I'm superman, i am just looking for my costume." Here's your sign!
It's up to couples, to individuals, to have a trust between each other.
Losing builds character. So, if you're the loser in your family, don't worry. 'Cos twenty years form now, that perfect can do no wrong brother of yours is going to show up at your house, bald, fat, divorced, with six kids who all hate him and he's going to ask you for money. And because of your character, you're going to look him right in the eyes and you're going to say, "You know what, I'll give you some money. If you mow my lawn and detail my car. Oh yeah, then you can shampoo the tail." Loser.
Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead.
I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.
I used to have solutions in my act. I'd find a social ill of some kind and I’d rail about it, and then have a solution to that problem. And I’d throw a fist fuck joke in the middle to make it all fit under the umbrella of comedy. And now I just have fuck it let’s just kill a bunch of people.