Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 899
"I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way! 'Hey this smells like a dumpster, lets eat it!'"
I own a hundred and fifty books, but no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
I never go perform somewhere alone. I've done that since day one. I've always taken other comics with me.
The competitions are as much a part of the tradition as the actual dances.
Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.
This city has so many beautiful women. I fall in love like every ten minutes, I'm sitting on the subway, I'm like, "There's my wife...there she is - oh, she's getting off. All right, there's the woman - all right, that's a man."
On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn’t keep in touch. They’re probably taxi drivers and accountants by now.
Then they have the audacity to go shopping and pick out their own gifts. I want to know who the first person was who said this was okay. After spending all that money on a bachelorette weekend, a shower, and often a flight across the country, they expect you to go to Williams Sonoma or Pottery Barn and do research? Then they send you a thank-you note applauding you for such a thoughtful gift. They're the one who picked it out!
The only normal people are the ones you don't know too well.
When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side.
We have become a sloppy bunch of people. We say things we don't mean. We make promises we don't keep. "I'll call you." "Let's get together." We know we won't.
Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they’ll rebel and make the right ones.