Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 899
I was at a party and this guys was hitting on me. But he was hitting on me with the most boring questions. One of them was “If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?” <br /> And I was like, “Anywhere?”<br /> And he was like, “Anywhere.”<br /> And I was like, “To the other side of the room… Now please get out of the way of a woman and her dream.”
TV family sitcoms have always been about fathers who know best and mothers who are so enchanted with everything they do. I wanted to be the first mom to be a mom on TV. I wanted to sent out a message about how us women really feel.
The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.
You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity.
Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!
I still get scared at night. Every tiny creak, every little noise, I open my eyes real wide and listen with them. Have you noticed that? When it’s dark and you can’t see a thing, you open your eyes really wide and glance back and force, like your eyes become your ears?
Being an actor is easy, just picture someone in a room and you outside waiting for your cue to go in. Elliot Gould's been trying that for forty years.
It was peace. Peace is when you would shake the hands of the people around you. And you knew peace was coming because the priest would say it five times rapid fire. He'd go, "My peace I leave, my peace I give to you. While we ate Reese's Pieces with the Lord. And I have a piece of lint in my peaceful eye!"
I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.
Hey baby, are you being followed?.. Because I’ve been seeing people behind your back.
Gary Hart, who said, "She didn't sit on my yacht; she sat on my dinghy!" Never got a dinner!
If Harry Potter's so magical, why can’t he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldn't need a broomstick to cling onto.