Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 9
My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.
If a kid calls his grandma "Mommy" and his mama "Pam", he's going to jail!
Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.
Good morning! And in case I don't see you: good afternoon, good evening and good night.
I met this woman, I could've sworn she was pregnant, let me tell ya'. I believe the rule is, don't guess at that ever ever eve. Something like that. I don't have enough evers memorized. I said, "Hey, when's that baby due?" You ever feel a word comin' out but it's too late to stop it? "When's that baby due? Baby!" "What baby?" "Uhhh... at the zoo, the pandas. I knew they were havin' one just thought maybe we could talk about it, if you want." Have you ever guessed someone's gender wrong? There's no recovering from that. You just gotta move on, 'cause you ain't wigglin' out of anything. "Hey, uh, excuse me, Sir?" "Ma'am" "Okay. K bye! Bye, human. Bye, person. Nice to meet you, individual!"
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that fucking thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
I heart abortion. Where’s the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won’t be a normal heart. It’ll be a dead infant heart. Y’know what the back will say? Problem Solved.
I was in five movies that got a total of four stars from The Daily News. And the reviews of "Beer League" were nothing compared to "Dirty Work." The review in my home town paper, The Star Ledger, said that I "had all the charm of a date rapist." I felt really bad about that, then Norm MacDonald; he's trying to cheer me up, being totally serious; says "well, a date rapist has to have way more charm than a regular rapist!"
If you haven't contemplated murder, you ain't been in love. If you haven't seriously thought about killing a motherfucker, you ain't been in love.
I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I like to say, "So, how far did you think you were going anyway?", or "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."
The Olympics is really my favorite sporting event. Although, I think I have a problem with that silver medal. Because when you think about it, you win the gold - you feel good, you win the bronze - you think, "Well, at least I got something". But when you win that silver it's like, "Congratulations, you almost won. Of all the losers you came in first of that group. You're the number one loser. No one lost ahead of you!"
All these years, I thought I liked chicken cause it was delicious; but turns out, I'm genetically predisposed to liking chicken!
Can’t we silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win and never mention his name when they lose? You never hear them say, "Jesus made me drop the ball" or, "The Lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage."
Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.