Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 10
Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? No pockets.
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities.
Women have two orgasms, the real ones and the ones they make up on their own. And I can give you the male point of view on this, which is: we're fine with it. You do whatever you have to do, and we'll do whatever we have to. ...To a man, sex is like a car accident anyway, and trying to determine a female orgasm is like asking, "What did you see after the car went out of control?" "Well, there were a lot of screeching noises, I was facing the wrong way at one point, and in the end, my body was thrown clear."
Everybody's so busy wanting to be down with the gang. "I'm conservative", "I'm liberal", "I'm conservative". Bullshit! Be a fucking person! Lis-ten! Let it swirl around your head. Then form your opinion. No normal, decent person is one thing, okay? I've got some shit I'm conservative about, I've got some shit I'm liberal about. Crime, I'm conservative. Prostitution, I'm liberal!
You can microwave a Pop Tart. That just blew me away that you could do that. How long does it take to toast a Pop Tart? A minute and a half if you want it dark? People don't have that kind of time? Listen, if you need to zap-fry your Pop Tarts before you head out the door, you might want to loosen up your schedule.
I went to the White House, met the president... We in trouble. (on Reagan)
Watch CNN headline news for an hour, its the most depressing fucking thing: war, famine, death, AIDS, homeless, recession, depression... And you look out your window... Where's all this shit happening?!
This homeless guy asked me for money the other day. I was about to give it to him and then I thought he was going to use it on drugs or alcohol. And then I thought, that's what I'm going to use it on. Why am I judging this poor bastard?
I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure... if you die, the cancer also dies at exactly the same time. So that to me is not a loss; that's a draw. It's not like... the cancer's going to jump up and go, "Arrrgh I fucked Uncle Bert's wife, where is he? I won fair and square."
I was told when I grew up I could be anything I wanted: a fireman, a policeman, a doctor - even president, it seemed. And for the first time in the history of mankind, something new, called an astronaut. But like so many kids brought up on a steady diet of westerns, I always wanted to be the avenging cowboy hero - that lone voice in the wilderness, fighting corruption and evil wherever I fount it, and standing for freedom, truth, and justice. And in my heart of hearts I still track the remnants of that dream wherever I go, in my endless ride into the setting sun.
I have a five-gallon jar at my house I like to fill with change. I don't stop 'til I reach tip-top and that little bell goes off, and I know Cargo Pant Day is here at last, and I dance. And I put the cargo pants on with a belt - extra tight because I don't want to have an embarrassing situation on such a great day - and I fill up all the pockets with the change. Then I get a car alarm - not a car alarm with a car, just a car alarm - and I hold it to my chest really closely. And then I go walk around the streets of Manhattan, and I wait for the first homeless person to come up to me and say, 'Hey, you got any spare change?' Then, I set the car alarm off: 'You hit the jackpot, mofo!'