Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 8
Marijuana enhances many things, colors, flavors, sensations, but you are certainly not fucking empowered. When you're stoned, you're lucky if you can find your own goddamn feet. The only way it's a performance-enhancing drug is if there's a big fucking Hershey bar at the end of the run. Then you'll be like a Swiss ski jumper going, "I'm there!"
Do a commercial, you're off the artistic roll call, every word you say is suspect, you're a corporate whore and eh, end of story.
If you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, then go home and burn all your records, all your tapes, and all your CDs because every one of those artists who have made brilliant music and enhanced your lives? Real fucking high on drugs. The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few songs.
Oh my god. Open and shut case, Johnson. I saw this once when I was a rookie. Apparently this nigger broke in and put up pictures of his family everywhere.
I was at the gym the other day working out with my buddy. My buddy Joey. And he goes "hey, man, I'm getting a divorce." I said "Wow, that sucks. Can you spot me?" That was our whole conversation! So then I go home to my wife, and I say "Hey, Joey is getting a divorce." She goes "Oh, my God! What happened?" "I dunno." "What do you mean you don't know? Is she cheating on him, is he cheating on her?" "Again, I'm not holding anything back here, I don't know!" She goes "Bill, someone tells you they're getting a divorce and you don't ask any questions?" And I go "Well, that's because he didn't ask me a question! He didn't say 'hey Bill, what do you think about me getting a divorce?', he said, 'I'm getting a divorce', which said to me, 'I require no further input on your part.'" If he had said 'What do you think about me getting a divorce?', I'd have said, 'Well, you're gonna be dating again, so you should work on your abs'.
My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.
If a kid calls his grandma "Mommy" and his mama "Pam", he's going to jail!
Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.
I heart abortion. Where’s the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won’t be a normal heart. It’ll be a dead infant heart. Y’know what the back will say? Problem Solved.
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that fucking thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
If you haven't contemplated murder, you ain't been in love. If you haven't seriously thought about killing a motherfucker, you ain't been in love.
I met this woman, I could've sworn she was pregnant, let me tell ya'. I believe the rule is, don't guess at that ever ever eve. Something like that. I don't have enough evers memorized. I said, "Hey, when's that baby due?" You ever feel a word comin' out but it's too late to stop it? "When's that baby due? Baby!" "What baby?" "Uhhh... at the zoo, the pandas. I knew they were havin' one just thought maybe we could talk about it, if you want." Have you ever guessed someone's gender wrong? There's no recovering from that. You just gotta move on, 'cause you ain't wigglin' out of anything. "Hey, uh, excuse me, Sir?" "Ma'am" "Okay. K bye! Bye, human. Bye, person. Nice to meet you, individual!"
I was in five movies that got a total of four stars from The Daily News. And the reviews of "Beer League" were nothing compared to "Dirty Work." The review in my home town paper, The Star Ledger, said that I "had all the charm of a date rapist." I felt really bad about that, then Norm MacDonald; he's trying to cheer me up, being totally serious; says "well, a date rapist has to have way more charm than a regular rapist!"
I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I like to say, "So, how far did you think you were going anyway?", or "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."