Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 900

Get the right to marry - and then don’t.

Did you slip in some cheese? Did it make you hate cheese, which you had previously loved? Why not sue a cheese-maker? Sue him for all the cheese he's got, drive him out of the cheese-making business! Did you burn your face with an iron? Why not sue Prometheus, the god that invented fire? Or an Iron Age chieftain, for having the temerity to popularise the metal.

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

That's insanity. We must be good all the time.

Yesterday the Iraqis and U. S. troops pulled down a giant statue of Saddam Hussein. They pull it down and it lands right on top of Geraldo.

My wife can’t figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who’s had everything up to here?

Vodka! That's a child's drink, why am I drinking this stupid drink, oh and why am I on a traffic island?

I'm keeping in shape, you know, gotta look good for the ladies -- and certain guys. Hey, I can't control who's looking. I just gotta bring the heat.

My therapist thinks I'd be better off living in a dream-state.

You are a shit head, but I can make you feel like you’re not the only shit head.

The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."

Life is like a concentration camp... you can't leave without dying.

For the first time ever, women are scoring higher than men on IQ tests. Scientists say it has something to do with breast implants - not that it makes the women smarter, it just makes the men dumber.

I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hastling people with real careers.

Is it just me or is gas high?.. They ain’t been a drive-by for three weeks. You hear niggas going, “I can’t afford to kill that motherfucker! I can’t!”