Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 900
I like staying in hotels because you can leave a message for somebody and you don't even need to know their name, just, like, a room number. 'Hey, can I get a pen? I just want to leave a message. My friend's in 710. Yeah, thanks.' 'Leprechaun's gonna fuck you up at midnight.' 'Honey, what is this? Did you anger a small Irish man?'
You don't give something away because it's fat. You take it and you look at it.
I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.
Children are like poems. They're beautiful - to their creators - but to others they're just silly and fucking annoying.
They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad.
The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.
Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'
You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I’ve never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.
Everyone should think for themselves. I learned that in a book I bought called 'Everyone Should Think For Themselves'.
You can't land on the moon and say, "Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!”
I think Desperate Housewives is a pretty good show, I watch it, I like it and I don't love reality tv that much. I do watch some, I've got three daughters so we'll watch the good stuff, the fun stuff.
The Invisible Man, who said to his wife, "I don't care if it looks silly, don't stop!" Never got a dinner!
My life is gardening, cleaning around the house and power washing.