Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 920
Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn’t stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.
Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.
I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.
We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.
It is not the big events that hurt the most but rather the smallest questionable shift in tone at the end of a spoken word that can plow most deeply into the heart.
If he's unsure, then he's unsure, and that's an answer - unsure is 'no.' The phrase 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you' really is this. The first 'I love you' means, 'I don't want to hurt you.' The second one means, 'I'm not in love with you.' That's bad news. 'I'm not in love with you' is 'I'm not in love with you.'
Part of growing up is learning your strengths and weaknesses. What better way to figure out that hand-eye coordination ain't your thing than by getting drilled in the mouth by a red, rubber ball? You only gotta get beaned in the face so many times before you figure out, 'I better hit the books because this is not working out.'
You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don't want to watch the dog doing them.
Were they beautiful? We were all beautiful. We were in our twenties.
To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, "That's was an oldie from The Clash."
When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side.
When I hear people talk about juggling, or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they're crazy, because 'sacrifice' infers that there was something better to do than being with your children.
You can’t take everything that is offered to you. I pass on a lot of stuff, because I truly believe that I will shine better if I could do it 200 percent rather than do it 80 percent and make it so-so.