Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 920

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!

Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to verify it?

She was feeling her bohemian oats.

We just jumped out and started shooting with the band, and then one thing led to another. You see it unfold in the movie, but by the end of just hanging with them we had decided, 'Why don't we have them come to Brooklyn?' It was pretty awesome.

I noticed recently, in the last few shows I did, that I'm starting to get people - not a large group, but quite a few people - who come to see me because they love Curb Your Enthusiasm.

I never thought I want to do anything, really, except not go to work properly and turn up at the same place every day and eat sandwiches in the same canteen, if I can possibly help it, as I don't think I'd be very good at it.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

I feel like people who don’t brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they’re hiding something more even exciting.

Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead.

I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.

If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed.

Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.

If I could rent someone else's subconscious occasionally maybe I could get a decent night's sleep.

Men hate to lose. I beat my husband once at tennis. I asked him, "Will we ever make love again?" He said, "Yes.... but not with each other."