Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 921

Have a little fun.

Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, "Touch my vagina," and she's like, "What!" and I'm like, "That's what you're supposed to say."

Apparently, there's something hinky about the new iPhones. They're not hooked up right. There's a problem with the antenna. They don't like to be held - like my ex-wife.

Your rooms are as filthy today as they were when you graduated from high school. And we want them cleaned up.

Repeat after me. I promise not to run outside of the house. I promise not to run inside of the house. I promise not to touch, pick up, step on, anything that looks interesting.

My age makes all my wrinkles and gray hair make sense.

How dare anyone in the UK make fun of a democratically-elected leader when you have a fucking Queen?

Ocean's 13 is all about cool people having a good time, and who doesn't want to see that? Well you, apparantly, 'cause you're watching me.

You might be a redneck if the first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "Hey!" or "How Y'all Doin'?"

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

I got into stand-up to get on a sitcom.

We could overcome the baser aspects of our nature... and give this planet the kind of caretakers it deserves.

Just to be on the front row here is a bit of a prize in itself.

I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors.

"Normally you have news, weather and travel…..but not on snow day, on snow day news is weather is travel.” (Talking about the heavy snow in Britain.)