Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 921

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

So yeah, this song, then we'll go off, then we'll come back and do another song because going off will obviously just have been fake all along and you know that now which ruins it.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was shout for help.

You don't run into ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends when you're looking good and want to. Last time I ran into an ex-boyfriend was at three o'clock in the morning at Rite Aid, as I'm ringing up Gas X and corn removers. And I'm like, 'Hey, you. What's up? These are for my grandmother, that old bitch.' He's like, 'Aren't they both dead?' I'm like, 'One of them came back, OK? And she's sick.'

All of those things make it look like a really hard transaction to pull off. But it can be done.

I have a theory that the Internet makes people stupider - and also FOX News makes people stupider.

I don't like throwing myself in a place that's going to rock my world.

You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things.

I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta get your finances together. You got no cash, your credit cards are maxed out. You don't even have minutes on your calling card. I had to use my card to call you.'

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

President Bush spoke with the Amish. He didn't want to, but it was the only group he could find that wasn't upset about the high price of gas.

Happy Thanksgiving! I broke into Best Buy and stole a copy of Pocahontas to celebrate.