Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 921
We started to see less and less of each other. And that’s when I knew it was quicksand.
I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea, as I was a stranger there myself.
Everybody thinks Italian guys are dumb. Cause we sound like Rocky when we talk. But we’re not dumb, we’re just a little slower. That’s why we always repeat the question. We’re just buying time. Like, “Correale, what did you do today?” “What did I do today?”
People make plans and God laughs. Why? What's wrong with people making plans? Why don't you just grow the fuck up, you big, fake jerk.
I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
On Joan Rivers: “Could your original face have been that much worse than that clown mask you’ve had welded on?”
I'm going to be going to a secluded spot where no one can find me - NBC prime time.
The currency of this show is your own head. They've established a certain structure here, but it's still in evolution.
When I was nine, my life was devoted to seeing a tit. I was Captain Ahab, and it was my big white whale. I'd go down to Sears on a Sunday in hopes they'd remove a clothing from a mannequin. Sad but true, sad but fuckin' true.
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
You can have good writing, but a great actor will make it feel and sound like great writing. You can have great writing, and mediocre actors will make it feel mediocre. Without the actors, you have nothing.
People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?