Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 919
I will suffice to say, ‘sod off and if we ever meet again it will be one billion years too soon’
It's unbelievable. People are so desperate to get home. The trains come very regularly, you see them, one minute, two minutes, three minutes... this means nothing to people. As soon as you get on the platform it's a level playing field. I don't care when you arrived, I'm getting on this train.
Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
I was the editor of the school newspaper and in drama club and choir, so I was not a popular girl in the traditional sense, but I think I was known for being relatively scathing.
They say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment's successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve, and a big sign will up come that says: Level Two.
A child of one can be taught not to do certain things such as touch a hot stove, turn on the gas, pull lamps off their tables by their cords, or wake mommy before noon.
My grandfather likes to give me advise, but he's a little forgetful. One day, he took me aside and left me there.
And really almost like every TV star who loses his job. Now what am I going to do, everybody asks. What am I going to do now? Like every TV star before I’m going to find some crack. I’m going to get on the pipe. Lose that unwanted 110 pounds I’ve been trying to lose.
King Soloman, who said to his thousand wives, "Who hasn't got a headache?" Never got a dinner!
We got everythin' we need here. We got Baileys, creamy, and, um... everythin' good. I'll get ya another Baileys
I have no idea what I am doing but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm.