Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 951

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.

I have to warn you about tonight's show. Tonight's show will fix your relationship or destroy it. And either way, you're welcome.

I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it’s never anything good like, “We found something in your bladder AND IT’S SEASON TICKETS TO THE YANKEES!!”

I don't think anyone should have 20 kids. You need to spread your seed somewhere else. Go shit in your sock once in a while.

People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: "I'm such a klutz!" But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.

I have a CD burner... My fireplace.

These days, young people watch TV on smartphones and computers. Young people with an actual TV set are harder to find than a picture of Anthony Weiner with his clothes on.

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

I’m actually thinking of getting a dog. My parents actually said to me the other day, “Your little apartment? That’s a horrible, terrible place for a dog.” Yeah, but I live there. At least the dog doesn’t have to shave in the toilet like I do.

Always do whatever's next

I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.

George W. Bush went into a think tank this week and almost drowned.

If a parsley farmer loses a law suit, do they garnish his wages?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.