Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 951

Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.

If your biggest tax deduction was bail money, you might be a redneck.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

I wanted my character to be accessible and nonthreatening.

I'm a nerd. I'm a little guy... the last guy you'd expect in a romantic movie.

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.

Life is moments going by, but if you don't grab them, they're gone. For a long time, the only moments that were available were bad ones. So now I make sure to grab the good ones.

I am constantly amazed by Tina Fey. And I am Tina Fey.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well. There was water in the carburettor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

I can do most anything and not have a problem with it. The only time I have negative attention is when I run naked through the streets brandishing a handgun.

I would prefer to be well-liked in any and all situations.

On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.

We are so excited about adding additional incentives to the program. It gives them a fun reason to exercise and learn about geography as well.

The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church.