Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 951
Technically it's not premarital sex if you don’t plan on marrying them.
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.
I don't call her my middle child, I call her my center child, Because the world revolves around her.
What is it with conservatives? Seriously, I'm not trying to be partisan but it seems like if they're anti-illegal alien, they have illegal aliens working for them. If they're anti-gay, they turn out to be gay. If they're super Christian, they're a witch.
I look at anything in nature and how things work-the stars, the pyramids-and I can't imagine that there's not some kind of design to it all. There's got to be something big that we don't understand. I do believe in Jesus. I believe in being good to one another. Life is about spending our time here contributing and not taking away. That's my faith.
Sobriety is something you do for yourself. I sure don't miss blackouts but the downside is having the clarity to know who I am.
I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."
I'm trying hard not to use a specific reference, but you'll probably know it's you after the first sentence.
I was really gifted at being able to construct a joke, but it's like they weren't even memorable, my first jokes, because they were so about nothing.
We have now given one of the only 50 states we have to a herd of Simu-Bullwinkles!
I'm sorry, those pictures from the Abu Ghraib. At first, they, like infuriated me, I was sad. Then like, a couple days later, after they cut the guy's head off, they didn't seem like much. And now, I like to trade them with my friends.
I had a good time last week. I did a show; the whole audience was midgets. I got a standing ovation - I didn't even know it!