Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 951
My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.'
Whatever makes “Hey Ya” good, it is the evil side of that. It is the anti-matter to the matter of “Hey Ya.”
The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up.
This person at the next table is a fabulous drag queen. I didn't get it until I just looked up.
I may have been named 41st best stand-up, but my Mum still prefers Tom O’Connor.
I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship.'
A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass.
Apparently there is no profit in the unique, or not enough to make it worthwhile to preserve. Ultimately it drains the life out of us, and existentialism starts to make more and more sense.
Let me tell you something black people: If white people tell you they never use the N-word, they’re lying to your face. Either that, or they’ve never bet a $1,000 on an NBA game.
A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.
I can't do that. I'm already the single guy living in his parents' house. I can't be seen digging a grave in the middle of the night.
People are going to see both of us and think it`s an Abbott and Costello kind of thing. It`s not an easy switch. It`s not an easy transition from TV to film.