Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 951

Most people are dead. Did you know that? It's true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead.

My father, never chooses me for anything. If you needed a kidney and I offered him mine, well, pfft. Well, he'd take it 'cos he was dying. It's not that he doesn't love me, 'cos he does. It's just that special kind of love that feels like neglect.

Sometimes I try to take a nap before shows. That clears my head.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.

The claim that somehow raw foods give you better energy, are more healthful, improve your immune system and all of that is simply not substantiated. And moreover, it's not biologically plausible.

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.

The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up.

This person at the next table is a fabulous drag queen. I didn't get it until I just looked up.

North Korea pissed off the entire world last week by testing yet another nuclear bomb. This brings North Korea one step closer to a full scale nuclear bomb, that we will drop on North Korea.

I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship.'

I lived at home till I was 29.

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.