Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 952
I can't do that. I'm already the single guy living in his parents' house. I can't be seen digging a grave in the middle of the night.
Your boyfriend worked your vagina like Rocky worked that side of beef for 45 minutes. A little blood is well within reason.
He's not stupid ... he's not a retarded man ... he just doesn't give a shit about you, or anything.
There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you're busy interrupting.
I love hitting into the rough because it gets me close to the people.
If you’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog, you might be a redneck.
It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
In talking to girls I could never remember the right sequence of things to say. I'd meet a girl and say, "Hi, was it good for you too?" If a girl spent the night, I'd wake up in the morning and then try to get her drunk.
Three of my stocks went off the financial page - into the help-wanted section.
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet."
My mom thinks my new daughter is exceptionally bright, because now she will lie on the floor and talk to the ceiling fan. I said, "Mom, Uncle Harold does that and y'all call him an alcoholic."
Relationships are a lot like yard sales. They look really fun from a couple hundred feet away, but eventually you realize it's just a bunch of crap you don't need.