Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 952
Why are we still embarrassed about the condom machine? The only blokes who are not embarrassed are the blokes who don't get any! You know, they wait in the bog, pound in hand, and as soon as someone comes in they're like "Come on! come on! I've got birds waiting!"
Sobriety is something you do for yourself. I sure don't miss blackouts but the downside is having the clarity to know who I am.
I tried to buy bedding not so long ago... has anybody here tried to buy a duvet? Did you come up against the old tog rating system? It’s like coming up against the Spanish Inquisition.
You're an investigator - can't nobody find stuff out like a woman. Y'all put the police to shame, make the little investigative tricks they show on CSI and Law & Order: SVU look like counting lessons on Sesame Street.
Most people are dead. Did you know that? It's true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead.
I'm about to make a wild, extreme and severe relationship rule: the word busy is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word "busy" is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact in every silo you uncover, all you're going to find is a man who didn't care enough to call. Remember men are never to busy to get what they want.
My cat, Ethel, is an indoor cat but somehow she's sneakin' out at night. 'Cause the other morning I found a stamp on her paw... I wouldn't have noticed myself, but I just bought this new black light and she passed right under it and I said, 'Hey, what's that on you paw?'
Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love.
I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.
When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. Some say, it's the only time we're perfect. You're also born covered in blood and placenta. No one gets nostalgic about that.
My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
These people marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an education and now we've got these knuckleheads walking around.
In America you can always find a party. In Russia the party always finds you.