Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 952

No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.

You gotta live life before you can talk about it. Sometimes when things don't work out in life, they work out on stage.

We got everythin' we need here. We got Baileys, creamy, and, um... everythin' good. I'll get ya another Baileys

You might be a redneck if you empty the bed of your pickup truck by driving backwards really fast and then slamming on the brakes.

My first day as a woman and I am already having hot flushes.

I never go perform somewhere alone. I've done that since day one. I've always taken other comics with me.

I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

When I started stand-up, the first thing I did was to take an improv class.

When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from being walked on. You have to ride shotgun in their lives and protect them, because normal people, oh ho, easily manipulated. Oh, look over there, now look back. Oh, you so need me.

If you're keeping score at home, they have now applauded executions at the Republican debate, they have cheered letting an uninsured man die, and they booed an active duty U.S. serviceman for being gay. I don’t know how you get to the right with this crowd but Ron Paul’s new campaign ad is just the Rodney King beating to the sound of children laughing.

It's common courtesy; he's doing most of the work; you've got to encourage him.

For a long time I thought I knew for sure who I was. I grew up in New Orleans and became a comedian. And there was everything that came along with that. The nightclubs. The smoking. The drinking. Then I turned 13.

An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.

The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.

I would assign every lie a color: yellow when they were innocent, pale blue when they sailed over you like the sky, red because I knew they drew blood. And then there was the black lie. That's the worst of all. A black lie was when I told you the truth.