Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 952
But isn't there something wrong when I'm the only guy in the country that got fired for 9/11?
Hello, this is Harris. I'm in right now, so you can talk to me personally. Please start talking at the sound of the beep.
And I've always been paranoid. I can remember as a baby my mother would spin the mobile above my head and thinking..."yeah, that's coming down."
I do have certain feelings. My feeling is that whoever is in charge, I want him out.
Is global warming new? I don't know. When I was young I remember the sun being hot.
According to geologists, about 100 million years from now, Asia and the Americas will smash together to form one giant supercontinent. The good news: Maybe all those jobs that went over there will finally come back.
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping.'
The first time probably people really were aware of me, I unfortunately had the title of Showtime's Funniest Person in America. And that's a really tough title to travel around with when you're not even known.
A Minneapolis company has come out with a credit card size shotgun that fits in your wallet. The inventor says he invented it to give people a sense of security. Oh yeah, what makes you feel more secure than sitting on shotgun? Now how does this work? What's the first thing a thief steals? Your wallet, oh, now he's got your gun too!
Hell, when I was in high school, a "drive-by shooting" meant somebody had their rear end hanging out a car window!
If the worst thing that can happen is that nobody laughs, then I can deal with that, because the worst thing that can happen at the factory is that I could lose a limb or be crushed by a huge machine.