Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 950
Aladdin, who said to his wife, "I know it’s not a lamp, keep rubbing!" Never got a dinner!
Using profanity is an indicator that you lack class, or feel strongly about being something, and want to get your fuckin' point across.
Police blog or entertainment news, it's just good to see your name in print.
I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.
Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.
My films are therapy for my debilitating depression. In institutions people weave baskets. I make films.
You're still young. Being a true loser takes years of inaptitude.
I got jury duty … and I didn't want to go, so my friend said, "You should write something really really racist on the form when you return it. Like, you should put 'I hate chinks'." And I said, "I'm not going to put that on there just to get out of jury duty. I don't want people to think that about me." So instead I wrote, "I love chinks." And who doesn't?
You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?"
I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. It was the pure idea of being on stage. That was the only thing that interested me, along with learning the craft and working, and just being in productions with people.
Technically it's not premarital sex if you don’t plan on marrying them.
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.