Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 950

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

George W. Bush went into a think tank this week and almost drowned.

It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.

Jacques Cousteau, the last man to see Jimmy Hoffa. Never got a dinner!

Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became.

When I'm 70 I might be a man in a park just wandering around, speaking in tongues with kids throwing bread at me.

Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion.

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

I remember my wife and I used to get on plane and see everybody else with their babies. They'd be putting strollers and car seats up above, and we'd think: Oh, please Lord, don't make us go through that.

Police blog or entertainment news, it's just good to see your name in print.

We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."

It's common courtesy; he's doing most of the work; you've got to encourage him.