Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 950

He was born on April 2. A day late.

She (his wife) is the wind beneath my wings.

There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.

People laugh to forget their troubles, and to forget their troubles they like to look at people who aren't doing better than they are.

Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.

That's the great thing about having your friends around you. I've known these guys forever. I really enjoy their company just as people. You couldn't ask for a better work environment.

I know they don’t recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.

Hanging out with comics, all they did was make fun of me.

I think you are looking at sexuality and not attributes, and I think it's odd because the conservative mantra is a meritocracy. And I think what you're suggesting is the fact that being gay parents makes you not as good as others. And I would suggest that a loving, gay family with a financially secure background beats the hell out of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline any day of the week.

At one time, Washington actually meant something. But now, it's about as relevant as Bob Dylan's tuning fork.

One phrase you don’t want kicking off your obituary is, "Never, in the long history of bungee jumping…"

No, I did not really punch the woman in the Honeymooners bit. We had a makeup artist punch her.

I'm keeping in shape, you know, gotta look good for the ladies -- and certain guys. Hey, I can't control who's looking. I just gotta bring the heat.

Why do kids always say peace out, I though peace was in.

Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.