Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 950
Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.
For the first few years I wrote jokes and performed them word for word and then wrote tags for them and did that word for word and that worked pretty well. Now, I do almost all of my writing on stage and then record and listen for any new things and then I write those down.
You might be a redneck if you've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.
I understand porno and I understand getting high, but getting scared? What the fucks's in it for you?
I do have certain feelings. My feeling is that whoever is in charge, I want him out.
I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.
Because I need you / Like a tick needs a tock / Like bananas need pyjamas / Like a nun needs cock
It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
Right before I decided to come out, I went on a spiritual retreat called 'Changing the Inner Dialogue of Your Subconscious Mind.' I'd never been to anything like it before, and all my friends were taking bets on how long I'd last with no TV, no radio, no phone. But for me that was the beginning of paying attention to all the little things.