Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 950
You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I’ve never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.
Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you’re pregnant. If you’re not, then let’s break up.
After all, once you've driven your drunk father to your mom's parole hearing, what else is there?
When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from being walked on. You have to ride shotgun in their lives and protect them, because normal people, oh ho, easily manipulated. Oh, look over there, now look back. Oh, you so need me.
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."
I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
Michelangelo’s girlfriend, who said to Angelo, "Forget the paint – let’s put a mirror on the ceiling." Never got a dinner!
I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.
I'm about to make a wild, extreme and severe relationship rule: the word busy is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word "busy" is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact in every silo you uncover, all you're going to find is a man who didn't care enough to call. Remember men are never to busy to get what they want.
My cat, Ethel, is an indoor cat but somehow she's sneakin' out at night. 'Cause the other morning I found a stamp on her paw... I wouldn't have noticed myself, but I just bought this new black light and she passed right under it and I said, 'Hey, what's that on you paw?'