Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 97
Every holiday on the calendar, I check in a hotel and fast - I don't eat, I don't drink, I don't talk.
And when did mediocrity become excellence in our country? Music is dead in 2011 because Lady Gaga lives. Really? Is that the best we can do? Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa, "Poker Face"? This stuttering, growling midget with a speech impediment is music? Really? This vapid, pop cancer, Madonna mini-me? She makes Miley Cyrus look like John Lennon. She makes Jack Lemon look like John Lennon. I'm sorry. And you don't get to claim you're not accepted at a billion hits on YouTube. And you're not an artist just cause you can wear a live chimpanzee as a bra. Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett.
I swear on my unborn child's life i didn't eat your fucking ice cream.
My father always dressed nice, and he always wore shades and a hat. Plus he always wore shined shoes. He taught me: “Always get there before you get there.” That means always dress nice. Even if you’re not the most handsome man in the world, you must have handsome characteristics, such as a handsome personality and attitude.
I have to wear a hat even indoors and flashes in particular freak me out. I even have to make them turn down the lights in the make-up trailers. I've become such a pain in the butt with this light-sensitive thing, it's a wonder they don't just shoot me.
So, is there hope for a truly democratic Africa? Long answer: Only if continent-wide improvements in education, human rights and public health are coupled with an aggressive and far-sighted debt-relief program that breaks the cycle of subsistence farming and urban squalor. Short answer: No.
The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.
Everybody talks about the entitlement generation. There is no time I would rather live in than now… There’s a tendency to live in a nostalgic state in this country, and think that other generations possessed an integrity and a tenacity better than the generation that is now. I wholeheartedly disagree with that, and I believe this is a group that will rise up to any challenge that comes before them, as well as any other generation in America would have done. My advice to them would be to please don’t think of me as an entitled moocher when I’m collecting my government benefits.
I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I’ve never found any strange panties in my dog’s house.
I now believe in reincarnation. Tonight's monologue is going to come back as a dog.
You can't study comedy; it's within you. It's a personality. My humor is an attitude.
The language of love may be universal, but it's not one of the options on an ATM machine.
You're all gonna die. Then you'll be dead for way longer than you're alive, like that's mostly what you're ever gonna be. You're just dead people that didn't die yet.
Was coming out of the store earlier, I just bought some Oreos and some Chips Ahoy. So I get outside, there's this guy like, 'Hey brother, it's my birthday today.' And that was the first time in my life, without any sarcasm, I could say, 'What? You want a cookie or something?' Because any other time you say that, you being mean, but I meant it from my heart. 'How many cookies you want, man? You want seven cookies? That's way too many cookies. You're being ridiculous right now. You can take, like, three or four cookies and get out of my face. Otherwise you're taking advantage of my generosity.'