Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 97
During the second world war Pope Pius the 12th was supposed to apologise not apologise, he was supposed to castigate Hitler for being a genocidal fuck-head with bunny rabbit ears. Um, but he didn't say that; he wimped out, and he's been renamed now, as Pope Gutless Barstard the first.
It was my friend's birthday and I was mad at him, so I sent him a card. It said happy birthday, but I put quotes around the word "'Happy"... sarcastic birthday, douche bag.
Oprah didn't just bring herself, she brought her celebrity friends, because when Oprah says, "Jump," they say, "Which couch?"
Whenever single people complain about anything, I really want them to shut the fuck up. First of all, if you're single, your life has no consequence on the earth. Even if you're helping people aggressively, which you're fucking not, nobody gives a shit what happens to you. You can die, and it actually doesn't matter. It doesn't. Your mother will cry or whatever, but otherwise, nobody gives a shit.
Calling Angelina Jolie a husband stealer is like calling Hitler a vegetarian. It’s true, but it’s hardly the fuckin’ story, is it?
That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.
It was a decision to work clean. I just prefer to work that way. I have no problem with comedians who don't work that way. There was a temptation in the early '70s to reconsider. I decided against it.
It's thirty days since the terrorist act. George Bush has told us to go back to our normal lives and to go back to what we used to do, so I've gone back to thinking that George Bush is a soft-headed tit and a danger to all of us.
Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people "the cops." But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!
My dad got divorced six times. Well, he actually only got divorced five times. He wouldn't divorce the sixth one 'cause he said he didn't want people to think he couldn't commit. "I don't want people not taking me serious." Dad, your last marriage was performed in Reno by an ordained lesbian Elvis impersonator. Who you hit on.
I've got nothing against tattoos. I don't have one myself. If I did, it would be right there next to my watch. It would say "Your wife's birthday is August 2nd, your anniversary is September 18th, don't let Ron White drive your car again."