Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 961
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
I think the one thing I would point to as a primary reason, basically, is that I was a gigantic ass, ... It's the first time I got dumped in my life.
You might be a redneck if you move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
I will suffice to say, ‘sod off and if we ever meet again it will be one billion years too soon’
In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day.
A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."
Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: "Sorry. Wrong Number."
Gay comics have actually gotten popular. Which I think is great. Somebody called be up from Tulsa, Oklahoma and they said “We’re putting a comedy show together and we called you because we need a strong lesbian.” <br /> “You want me to tell jokes or move stuff?”
I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees...
When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that's an exclamation point.
You might be a redneck if you're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
My wife told me the car wasn't running well. There was water in the carburettor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.