Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 961
I have a car stereo that will leave messages. It’s got a manual two inches thick. The manual that came with my wife is smaller.
The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke.
People are going to see both of us and think it`s an Abbott and Costello kind of thing. It`s not an easy switch. It`s not an easy transition from TV to film.
Sometimes when I watch a TV season, your favorite shows die quickly. And then sometimes it's not your favorite, and they live on for 12 years.
I was doing an interview once, and this guy goes, “So you must be pretty psyched about all this ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ stuff?”
Why would you listen to another human being tell you where you’re going to go when you die? <br /> “Dude, have you ever been dead?”<br /> “No.”<br /> “So, wouldn’t it be safe to assume that you wouldn’t have the slightest fucking idea what you’re talking about.”
If you're seeing a psychiatrist, you're wasting money because all you've got to do is get on a plane, get on a subway tomorrow and, inevitably, you're going to be seated in front of some guy who's playing with himself, and he'll be singing, 'Happy Days Are Here Again.' I tell you - when I see that guy, I feel pretty good about myself.
What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping.'
President Bush is taking the entire month of August off. Bush said today he thinks it is important for a president to spend time away from Washington. Or at least that's what Dick Cheney told him.