Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 961
Oprah's last show was today. On her last show, Oprah explained why she canceled the Apocalypse.
In school I was never the class clown, but more the class trapeze artist, as I was always being suspended.
I honestly can't remember the last time I hit myself in the head with a hammer.
I'm thinking of a presidential bid; currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone I've tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available.
You might be a redneck if... you think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
When anything huge happens to me, I always think, this isn't my moment, this is a moment.
They’re calling Hooters now a family restaurant. Isn’t that hilarious? Tits for the whole family!
When I'm working, I'm going to avoid all media. No newspapers, no magazines, no movies, no radio, no TV. I'm just going to do creative work.
I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play "Candle in the Wind" non-stop.
I've got a Ferrari. VROOM! I do 104 from the garage to the front door.
For the first few years I wrote jokes and performed them word for word and then wrote tags for them and did that word for word and that worked pretty well. Now, I do almost all of my writing on stage and then record and listen for any new things and then I write those down.
Einstein used science to get laid; that guy is a genius… I've been using money.
That's a device. I like to think about it as a little bit of a mystery ... the director describes it as a statement of authorship. It's kind of a sophisticated concept, but I like to think of it almost as my character looking back intellectually, but not at an advanced age.