Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 960
Most people think, "Life sucks, and then you die." I disagree. I think life sucks. Then you get cancer. Then you go into chemotherapy. You lose all your hair, you feel bad about yourself. Then all of the sudden the cancer goes into remission, and then all of the sudden you have a stroke. You can't move your right side. And then, maybe, you die.
I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.
'The ruckus' is different experiences you go through throughout your life which builds your ruckus points up - your tolerance. You've got to have a high tolerance for dealing with stuff all the time.
The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
The childless experts on child raising also bring tears of laughter to my eyes when they say, "I love children because they're so honest." There is not an agent in the CIA or the KGB who knows how to conceal the theft of food, how to fake being asleep, or how to forge a parent's signature like a child.
When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.
Look dawg, I know selling the tickets was wrong. But look, I took the 2 grand I made and bought Lovita a real nice rolex watch. So I got 1950 left.
I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.
A well-known Huston stripper reportedly twerked so hard that she suffered a miscarriage on stage… Not the punchline. Because in her defense, she did tell everybody, ‘I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly’.
Despite a lack of natural ability, I did have the one element necessary to all early creativity: naïveté, that fabulous quality that keeps you from knowing just how unsuited you are for what you are about to do.
What hair color do they put on the driver's license's of bald men?
Never say to younger people "that was before your time," because the last full moon was before their time!