Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 960
I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire...'
Never say to younger people "that was before your time," because the last full moon was before their time!
I was fat! I was pustule-rich! I looked like a pink human grenade! When did I blossom into the irresistible little orchid that I am now? I don't know. Getting taller helps. It spreads out a bit.
I shouldn’t say bad stuff about illiterate people. I should write it.
I think an invisible shit monster just dumped in my fridge but I can't figure out where the stank is coming from.
They should have a store next to the bookstore called the shit store where you can get shit books to read while on the shitter. No one reads great literature on the shitter.
I masturbate. A lot. And yet, I don't floss because it’s too much of a hassle. Ten seconds of joy over a lifetime of tooth decay, that's what I've chosen.
You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.
When anything huge happens to me, I always think, this isn't my moment, this is a moment.
They’re calling Hooters now a family restaurant. Isn’t that hilarious? Tits for the whole family!
When I'm working, I'm going to avoid all media. No newspapers, no magazines, no movies, no radio, no TV. I'm just going to do creative work.