Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 960

You might be a redneck if... you think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

When I'm working, I'm going to avoid all media. No newspapers, no magazines, no movies, no radio, no TV. I'm just going to do creative work.

Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.

I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.

I don't have all the answers. I don't have a big closer, and I may not have a point. But I have a tit-fuck joke.

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

I would love to have the same rights as everybody else. I would love, I don't care if it's called marriage. I don't care if it's called, you know, domestic partnership. I don't care what it's called.

You might be a redneck if you move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

Here's when you know it's really really bad, when even the hookers in Grand Theft Auto ignore your car and walk away. The hookers in the game, then you have to follow them into an alley way, smash them with a mail box and steal their floating money. That's all I do when I play Grand Theft Auto, I don't even do the missions, I kill hookers and steal that sack of floating money. What if you could go somewhere, kill a hooker and her money could just float. You don't even need to pick it up you just walk through it and your body absorbs it. Playing that game, I thought it was like watching a documentary. Very similar to life, do this you wanna try it? Shoot a cop in the face, when all the back-up comes and tries to find you, just like in the game, hide behind a dumpster for 35 seconds, they'll call off the whole god damn search.

It's unbelievable. People are so desperate to get home. The trains come very regularly, you see them, one minute, two minutes, three minutes... this means nothing to people. As soon as you get on the platform it's a level playing field. I don't care when you arrived, I'm getting on this train.

Why would anyone want to put a mosque at ground zero when we could put a Six Flags at ground zero?

When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school. If you're an adult and you're a poet, it's all about love and pain, but if you're a kid it's, "Does anyone know a word that rhymes with shark?"

If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.

Life is moments going by, but if you don't grab them, they're gone. For a long time, the only moments that were available were bad ones. So now I make sure to grab the good ones.