Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 960
You might be a redneck if... you think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.
I've got a Ferrari. VROOM! I do 104 from the garage to the front door.
Scientists have estimated that every person on earth has some atoms in their body from every other person who ever existed. Yikes. This means I have atoms in my body from Buddha, Jesus, Lincoln, Geronimo, Hitler, Attila the Hun, Lassie, and Marilyn Monroe. At least now I understand my mood swings.
Yes, what is this? Huh? This is whack! I can't get jiggy with this shit! Where's your damn manager, that pink motherfucker?
I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
I'm as poor as a church mouse, that's just had an enormous tax bill on the very day his wife ran off with another mouse, taking all the cheese.
I'm on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I'm gonna rip it off.
No matter how popular you are as a stand-up - you can go out and fill a 10,000-seat arena and be smart and funny - it's delicate to host an awards show and know where your place is and know that it's not about you, that it's about the people who are nominated, and respect that, but at the same time have your moment to show them who you are.
Most people don't want to leave their wife and children behind but many people seem to want to take leave of themselves.
In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day.
I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it’s never anything good like, “We found something in your bladder AND IT’S SEASON TICKETS TO THE YANKEES!!”