Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 965

The simple combination of letters and sounds you select as a name for your baby can result in a life of carefree coolness or decades of expensive therapy. "Hi, I'm Jake" versus "Hi, I'm... Tapioca"

You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can’t tell their sixteen year old daughter she’s not really a princess, well guess what, I can.

That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.

You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age... and you have your own TV show.

In America you can always find a party. In Russia the party always finds you.

That's the great thing about having your friends around you. I've known these guys forever. I really enjoy their company just as people. You couldn't ask for a better work environment.

But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.

After 'Raymond,' there was this big feeling of, 'What do I do next?'

Don't tempt me, I can resist anything but temptation.

At one time, Washington actually meant something. But now, it's about as relevant as Bob Dylan's tuning fork.

Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.

My family tree had some poisonous roots.

We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.

A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it’s possible that "less than no one" thinks they’re doing a good job.

Drew Carey was the guest on Ellen's breakdown show. You know, the next night, when he was hosting The Price Is Right, he ended his show with "Don't forget to spay and neuter your pets, and for God's sake don't ever take one away from Ellen!"