Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 965
Einstein used science to get laid; that guy is a genius… I've been using money.
I love hitting into the rough because it gets me close to the people.
I was doing an interview once, and this guy goes, “So you must be pretty psyched about all this ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ stuff?”
We've heard they've had signs up about Cuero for the last three weeks, ... We're excited about playing this game but not to the point where we do not know what we're doing. We just have to go into the game with intensity and remain focused on our goal.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
Some people take the spelling bee very seriously. These people are called "parents of children in the spelling bee." They're trying to make up for their own childhood of crushed dreams and misspelled words.
My folks were English. They were too poor to be British. I still have a bit of British in me. In fact, my blood type is solid marmalade.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"
I will suffice to say, ‘sod off and if we ever meet again it will be one billion years too soon’
Relationships are a lot like yard sales. They look really fun from a couple hundred feet away, but eventually you realize it's just a bunch of crap you don't need.
It had that kind of open-ended fear to it - like that feeling you get when you're driving and you see a cop. And you're not speeding. You don't have drugs. But you're just thinking, I hope he doesn't notice I'm driving.
My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."
Black people don’t kill nobody they don’t know. Look at black-on-black crime. We kill each other because we know each other… When a black man goes to his ex-wife’s job because he wants to shoot a bitch because he don’t want to pay child support or alimony no more. He don’t kill everybody at the company. He says, “Get out the way, I just want to shoot that bitch right there.”