Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 965
People are going to see both of us and think it`s an Abbott and Costello kind of thing. It`s not an easy switch. It`s not an easy transition from TV to film.
That's a device. I like to think about it as a little bit of a mystery ... the director describes it as a statement of authorship. It's kind of a sophisticated concept, but I like to think of it almost as my character looking back intellectually, but not at an advanced age.
I invite her back to my apartment, or as I call it, the "Death Star." I'm still working on it, it's not completely operational.
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'
Why wouldn't he be, he's the son of God? He's not gonna be walking around going, 'Oh, I've got back fat today. I'm so puffy.'
I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.
I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.
I will suffice to say, ‘sod off and if we ever meet again it will be one billion years too soon’
My last name is Szekely. Sounds like Saykay. When I was a little kid I had an instructor in camp who called me Shnizneckely. He would make fun of my name and it hurt my feelings because I was a little pussy and I cried. He said, 'Well, how do you say it?' I said, Seekay. So he wrote 'C.K' on my jersey and everything. He made my name 'C.K' and I just stuck with it.
A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."
You ever been on a date so bad, the girl makes you drop her off at another dude’s house?