Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 974

I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so… I'm not kiddin!

A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.

A war is going to destroy our economy even further. It's going to be a threefold humanitarian disaster.

CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts: regular, premium and unleaded.

Your self-esteem is a notch below Kafka.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

The notebook. Yes, as you know Garofalo's a little forgetful. Has to bring her notebook. Between the Nutrasweet and the Fen-phen, I don't know whether to shit or wind my watch at this point. I gotta have a thing happening here because I don't wanna forget what I wanna discuss with you. I owe you that much.

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard

I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.

You know me. Any excuse to put on a dress.

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Occasionally, when I lived in London, I would have sex with a girl from an aristocratic family. I always enjoyed doing to them what their ancestors did to my country.

You might be a redneck if the receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.

You might be a redneck if your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.