Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 974
You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.
I have no idea what I am doing but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there for the conception.
Some people say "don't use your personal life for comedic fodder". These people may be right, but I have no other life to use so fuck em.
A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."
My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.
You're still young. Being a true loser takes years of inaptitude.
Why are we still embarrassed about the condom machine? The only blokes who are not embarrassed are the blokes who don't get any! You know, they wait in the bog, pound in hand, and as soon as someone comes in they're like "Come on! come on! I've got birds waiting!"
Last year I punched a shop assistant over the duvet tog-rating system and went berserk over a mince pie. I am stung by accusations that I over-react.
This is brought to you by HBO, which is a subsidiary of Time Warner, also owned by America Online. You've got mail! I hope you don't have stocks.
That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.