Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 974

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.

I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.

Here's the way I look at it. President Bush has uranium-tipped bunker busters and I have puns. I think he'll be OK.

Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love.

It’s amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.

I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.

This is the concert I've always wanted to see.

Unlike Ray Porter, his love is fearless and without reservation.

Came on this beat, I ain’t even buy it dinner.

I was an "Omnivore." Like a lot of people, I didn't know any better. Then I read a couple of books. One of them was called How Chickens Are Raped Before You Eat Them. Another was called Hotdogs and Fingertips. I also read The Cow Feces Dilemma as well as Barf, STDs and Veal.

I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship.'

I think people are used to people in show business having a lot of hubris. I think I have a normal amount of self-loathing but because I'm in show business it's considered self-deprecation. In normal life I would just be considered your average neurotic.

They charged me 15 dollars. That's how much it costs to only have 20 dollars.