Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 974

You can never do jokes about somebody dying! Its disrespectful! How would you feel if you died?

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

A lot of the things I do are the sort of things I think are funny.

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

I have over 18 years sober but am still just a minute away from going insane again.

It is in that moment, when you really lay down your cards and see the relationship for what it was, that you'll find the freedom to kick it in the ass and let it go.

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

That's why ears have cartilage, to keep them from flapping.

People will miss that it once meant something to be Southern or Midwestern. It doesn't mean much now, except for the climate. The question, “Where are you from?” doesn't lead to anything odd or interesting. They live somewhere near a Gap store, and what else do you need to know?

I've got a Ferrari. VROOM! I do 104 from the garage to the front door.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

I was a dork hunter. That’s hard to do. I fell out of a tree.

At the end of the Peterson trial, my daughter turns to me and she goes, 'Daddy, are you going to kill Mommy?' 'Oh, honey - that's up to mommy, isn't it?'

The Aus­tralian comedy circuit is kind of small, and big in the most inconvenient ways. There aren't many venues, and the ones we have are hundreds of miles apart and separated by mountains. That's probably why so many of us come to the UK

You don’t get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot.